Saturday, October 14, 2017

A girl who forgot how to dream.

Once, there was a girl. She spent her entire childhood, living with her grandmother. Classic story: irresponsible father, hard-working mother. She was well-taken care of, but she was alone.
Her adolescence told no different story. She moved into the city, living with her aunt, uncle, and her two adorable cousins. Here, she learned how it felt having siblings. She learned about her first crush; and how it crushed her. But still, she was alone. She always was. She learned how to deal with problems on her own; she's her biggest strength. Nobody taught her how to handle impolite guys at school. Nobody taught her how to reply her crush's text. Nobody taught her how to make friends; nobody ever taught her how to reply when someone asked her what's her biggest strength and weakness.

Nobody.

Come to think about it, she learned everything on her own. That's why she's bad at managing things. She's bad at encouraging herself to do her responsibility. She's got so many talents but not everyone of them were well-developed because, well, nobody in her family recognized that and encouraged her.

A girl whose dreams she forgot, just because nobody taught her how to pursue it.

Along the way, the Kind Hands led her to the paths she's supposed to walk in. But as rebellious as she was; she chose another path. She trusted none but herself. Of course, that path crushed her; into pieces, this time. She barely made it back to the first path; the one she left behind. But here she is, now, taking the right highway, at least.

How come she knows that this time, the road is correct?

Simple. The highway she's in right now, is blessed with so many signs. Signs that finally lead her to her dreams.
She still doesn't know how to make her dreams come true, tho. But she knows, she's taking the right highway and her Driver is the best Driver of all. The One who will steer her to the right exit when it's time to arrive, arrive at one dream to another.

One thing that she does best eventho she learned this on her own:

She knows how to give overflowing love, without asking anything in return. That's what she does best. And come to think of it, maybe her heart of gold is her best gift of all. The one that kept her alive, survived.

Oh, and she knows, now. She was never alone. Not even once.

Sunday, September 24, 2017

Kota (dan kamu) yang baru.



Belajar mengenal seseorang itu seperti belajar mengenal kota yang baru kamu tinggali.
Menghafalkan rute jalan, menerima kenyataan kalau kota yang baru ini punya titik macet di beberapa tempat. Mulai menemukan makanan-makanan enak di sudut tersembunyi, kafe kecil untuk menyendiri, dan sudut yang manis untuk diambil fotonya.

Kamu pun, sama.

Tidak butuh waktu lama bagiku untuk menyadari, kota baruku ini rumahku. Di tengah segala keruwetannya, kesibukannya; dia nyaman. Dia menawan. Semakin aku mengenal sudut-sudut yang tersembunyi, semakin dia menarik bagiku. Suaranya ketika pagi menjelang dan malam menyapa, sama-sama indahnya. Dan, matahari terbenamnya luar biasa indah.
Kota ini juga tidak pernah gagal membuatku tertawa. Caranya bercanda, caranya menikmati kopi di pagi hari sembari menggodaku hingga aku tidak bisa lagi menahan tawaku. Caranya membuat aku lupa sakit yang ada di kota tempat aku tinggal sebelumnya, yang tak jauh dari sini. Kota yang dulunya aku kira rumah, namun ternyata merasa aku bukan lagi penghuni yang pantas untuk tinggal disana.

Ah, sudahlah. Kota yang baru ini lebih indah untuk aku ceritakan.

Aku suka penemuan baruku tiap hari tentangnya; bagaimana aku menyusurinya dan perlahan peta di otakku mulai terbentuk. Semakin aku mengenalnya, semakin aku suka. Kemarin, aku menemukan kedai kopi kecil dengan barista ramah yang memberiku cappuccino gratis hanya karena aku mengajaknya mengobrol tentang kopi. Atau buku yang aku temukan di toko barang bekas, dan juga vintage vinyl The Smiths yang sudah lama aku cari.

Mungkin hingga sekarang, kota ini masih sulit memutuskan apakah aku penghuni yang layak untuk tinggal. Tidak apa, yang jelas aku tahu; selalu ada yang lebih baik dari yang apa aku kira, itu terbaik.

Sunday, September 10, 2017

Flowing river.

I dream about water a lot ever since I was a kid. And I'm the kind of person who never took dreams I had at night for granted; I believe some dreams do have meanings. Even God can talk to us through dreams, a lot. And sometimes, my dreams are signs about things that are gonna happen in my life. Believe this or not, but every time I'm going to win some competition or good things are going to happen in my life, I'd be dreaming about clear water and catching fish the night before. But when something bad is gonna happen, I usually get a dream about flood and unclear, polluted water.

These past weeks, the same thing happened. I dreamed a lot about water a lot (and getting pregnant due in a week, once. that was one beautiful dream). The first dream I remembered was a tsunami's about to happen but it didn't reach the place where I was at. And the water was already sooo high above the houses, and it's crystal clear. And I didn't feel afraid, not even a second.
And last night, I dreamed about clear water and it's everywhere. Everywhere I went to in my dream, I saw clear water. And the funny thing there was one small whale that swam happily in a pond. I couldn't catch it, but it was a beautiful sight to watch. I still remembered the details; how blue the water's color was. And I felt good every time I had a dream about clear water.

I think this time, instead of thinking about what kind of blessing is going to happen or to be given to my life, I think God wanted to tell me to have the character of water. Water has this life-giving personality. Bible mentioned water a lot, even Jesus is Living Water. I opened https://www.openbible.info/topics/water and every scriptures in the Bible talks about the beauty of water. How it fulfills life; emptying and filling all at once. How it's supposed to clean things, and even though it gets polluted once it goes through the ground, it'll be cleaned and purified once again. It doesn't disappear; it's the mark of a new life for someone who gets baptized. John 7:38 [AMP] said "He who believes in Me [who adheres to, trusts in, and relies on Me], as the Scripture has said, ‘From his innermost being will flow continually rivers of living water."

I do believe God saved me for a reason, and along the way I asked Him what is His purpose for me. What kind of destiny He's set for me, from the very beginning. And now the answer is getting clearer, day by day.

"Be like water. To give life, to fulfill. Filling and emptying all at once."

Saturday, September 2, 2017

August, the last month.

Dear, August,

The 8th month; the month where I learned the most about myself. My strengths and my weaknesses, how to deal with unpleasant situation. How to be patient, how to wait; how to search for answers and listen carefully. How to be aware with my surroundings, how to treat people kindly, how to put others' need before my own need.
How to be happy --how to finally be in love again.
But as much as I'm in love with now, that feeling subsides slowly just because I realized he's not the one.

Sometimes I asked God, why I had to meet just another wrong guys and the people I don't think actually deserved it met the right one just as fast? But it's not my portion, I don't even have THE right to ask God's justice.

He's the best Judge of all, after all. and after all the tiring process I finally learned how to let go, how to forgive, how to accept things just the way they are.

They said, the pain before giving birth is the worst kind of pain. This is the 8th month and next month I'm gonna give birth --to a new life. new beginning. new heart. new lesson. new process. new me.

I have a big project coming up; my workplace is the best place I could've ever asked for, my friends are the kindest, and my family are as supportive as ever --I have no reason not to be thankful, each and everyday. If He's going to bring me to whole another level I have to be ready with all the risks, all the sweat, all the hardwork and the price I have to pay --but if it's Him everything's gonna be okay.

So, thank you, August, for the bittersweet; for the confusion, the search, and the finding. And the realization.

See ya next year, and when that time of the year comes I'd look back to this one exact moment and feel differently. Better state, better place, better companion.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Holes.

People keep talking about holes. What left you empty in life; what makes you stay awake until 3 in the morning. What makes you cry and wonder, "what if.."
And I used to say, no, I have no holes. God fills everything perfectly, in His time. I have had my lonely days, yes I know. I still haven't got used to it but I never felt that way anymore. I felt okay doing everything on my own, I'm good at doing anything alone since I was a kid anyway so no sweat. But, here's the thing I realized lately, that yes
I do have holes. In my heart.
I'm abundantly loved my whole life. No matter how naughty I was, no matter how many times I broke my mom's heart -and my entire family- with bad things I did back in my teenage days, no matter how bad my teenage angst was ã…¡they loved me so much and they still do. The best family I could've asked for.
Friends? I've been blessed with so many beautiful people all my life. Beautiful souls. I have best friends since my junior high school days, we didn't talk that much but once we do, we couldn't stop. We've been friends for 13 years now. And I found my soul sister back in my high school days; and I couldn't ask for a better sister than she is. I have soo many people who have been praying for me in my broken days, and cheering up for me when I finally got back in my feet again.
And not to mention, my amazing, living Father. For never leaving me nor forsaken me. For keep loving me for whatever I am, never punish and blesses me with miracles instead.

And just now I realized what my hole is.

How I'm longing to love someone with all my heart again. Someone to be cared about, someone to hug, someone to console when they have their bad days. Someone to be made known how special they are.

And I do hope, God fills that hole in His perfect timing too, with perfect someone as well. I believe He will; He's that kind. ♥️

Thursday, August 10, 2017

He's got this.

At times like this,
The old me would just run into the unknown, crashing into things,
Forcing feelings, and being manipulative.
At times like this, the old me would do anything to achieve things I want to have.
And then, I'd be worn myself out; running out of breath, disappointed at myself, because of things I can't have.
At times like this,
I would be crying; I would be writing so many hurtful poems in anger.

But this time, I realize what a different person I've become.
I feel peace. Content. Glad I don't have to do everything by myself. Glad that I don't have to rely onto my own self, because I don't even believe in my capability to do anything. I'm content with people who keep their distance without warning; if they're supposed to stay, they would stay and I don't have to worry about anything. If they're meant to leave, they're actually just making bigger rooms for better people to come. So I have nothing to lose, actually.

Eventhough, I do feel this: I miss that person. A lot.

But I'm okay. He's with me. He said to me that He's got this. Eventhough I can't see it clearly, I will someday. I have nothing to worry about; I have my Father to rely onto, and He's capable of doing any sort of things. Why should I worry?
Why should I force things?

He'll work it out for me; He's that kind. My Jesus is that kind.

He's got this, and I'm in peace.

Sunday, August 6, 2017

My Living Father.

Growing up fatherless, I tend to do everything on my own. Yes, I do have the privilege of being the only child in my family, and my mother is everyone's favorite as well so I cannot say that I wasn't spoiled. My life's easy, yet it's hard at the same time -yes, everything was and is practically paradox for me.
My mom is one wonderful woman, even I don't think I can be as strong as she is. But I was growing up apart from her, and I didn't really know her that well. I spent my childhood with my grandma, and then in my teenage years I lived with my aunt. We tried to mend our relationship, tho, since we only have each other. Meeting her, going home to my humble abode takes a little bit of effort but I don't mind; I never do. She's my everything.
But, when time went a little bit too hard for me, did I realize this: I had nobody to stand up for me. To take care, to nurture, and to educate is a mom's job desc, but to protect the child from any kind of harm, to make sure that the child is safe -it's a dad's job desc. And I thought I had none.
When I was hurt badly I couldn't even bear to survive this life anymore, I had none who could protect me. Who could stand by me; the one I could run into, the one I could tell all my pain and the one who would pick me up and make sure I'm okay. I have no one. My mom couldn't do anything when I told her the complete story; all she could do was crying, and then she hugged me and prayed for me so that I'd survive this life and be healed in time. And I believe she still does pray for me so that I can finally meet someone who will protect me.

And to think about that part again, it actually hurts a lot.

That's when I forgot that I did have a Father. And I still do. Always will.

When He saved me, I know that I'm loved -the moment I decided to open my heart for Him, He opened the heaven for me and the blessings started to come down pouring. He fixed every parts of my life, but the one thing I struggled the most was to completely rely onto Him. Like what I mentioned earlier, I did everything on my own. The only one I could trust, I could rely onto, was myself. And when I made mistakes, I also tend to think that I deserved to get punished. That's how my mind was set by this world.

And then He came into my life, even though I was a Christian since I was a kid.

He broke down every fences that I set around my life. He tore down every walls, He dragged me back to the right path even when it did hurt me a lot. He healed every part of my heart, and He gave me the ability to do things I never thought I could do. I can forgive. I can love. I can smile, I can make people laugh. I can write things; I can do anything because He made it possible for me to do everything.

In no time, I'm healed. Next month, is the 9th month and if the prophecy is right, something great's gonna happen. And since I have my faith in Him, I know it'll happen.

Sometimes it amazes me when I remember that my God is alive. I have a Father, a living Father. He's been protecting me all this time; He took a good care of me even when I looked away from Him. He still loves me no matter how many times I did wrong, above countless mistakes I made He turned it right. My baptismal name -He gave it meaning, even after that horrible decision I made, but that's how His plan over my name can be fulfilled.

He's beyond amazing. And He's alive. My Father's alive.

I'm quite curious about the surprises He already has in store for me. I'm always amazed but I know He will do more. He will always be more.

Because His perfect love cannot be overcome.