Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Holes.

People keep talking about holes. What left you empty in life; what makes you stay awake until 3 in the morning. What makes you cry and wonder, "what if.."
And I used to say, no, I have no holes. God fills everything perfectly, in His time. I have had my lonely days, yes I know. I still haven't got used to it but I never felt that way anymore. I felt okay doing everything on my own, I'm good at doing anything alone since I was a kid anyway so no sweat. But, here's the thing I realized lately, that yes
I do have holes. In my heart.
I'm abundantly loved my whole life. No matter how naughty I was, no matter how many times I broke my mom's heart -and my entire family- with bad things I did back in my teenage days, no matter how bad my teenage angst was ã…¡they loved me so much and they still do. The best family I could've asked for.
Friends? I've been blessed with so many beautiful people all my life. Beautiful souls. I have best friends since my junior high school days, we didn't talk that much but once we do, we couldn't stop. We've been friends for 13 years now. And I found my soul sister back in my high school days; and I couldn't ask for a better sister than she is. I have soo many people who have been praying for me in my broken days, and cheering up for me when I finally got back in my feet again.
And not to mention, my amazing, living Father. For never leaving me nor forsaken me. For keep loving me for whatever I am, never punish and blesses me with miracles instead.

And just now I realized what my hole is.

How I'm longing to love someone with all my heart again. Someone to be cared about, someone to hug, someone to console when they have their bad days. Someone to be made known how special they are.

And I do hope, God fills that hole in His perfect timing too, with perfect someone as well. I believe He will; He's that kind. ♥️

Thursday, August 10, 2017

He's got this.

At times like this,
The old me would just run into the unknown, crashing into things,
Forcing feelings, and being manipulative.
At times like this, the old me would do anything to achieve things I want to have.
And then, I'd be worn myself out; running out of breath, disappointed at myself, because of things I can't have.
At times like this,
I would be crying; I would be writing so many hurtful poems in anger.

But this time, I realize what a different person I've become.
I feel peace. Content. Glad I don't have to do everything by myself. Glad that I don't have to rely onto my own self, because I don't even believe in my capability to do anything. I'm content with people who keep their distance without warning; if they're supposed to stay, they would stay and I don't have to worry about anything. If they're meant to leave, they're actually just making bigger rooms for better people to come. So I have nothing to lose, actually.

Eventhough, I do feel this: I miss that person. A lot.

But I'm okay. He's with me. He said to me that He's got this. Eventhough I can't see it clearly, I will someday. I have nothing to worry about; I have my Father to rely onto, and He's capable of doing any sort of things. Why should I worry?
Why should I force things?

He'll work it out for me; He's that kind. My Jesus is that kind.

He's got this, and I'm in peace.

Sunday, August 6, 2017

My Living Father.

Growing up fatherless, I tend to do everything on my own. Yes, I do have the privilege of being the only child in my family, and my mother is everyone's favorite as well so I cannot say that I wasn't spoiled. My life's easy, yet it's hard at the same time -yes, everything was and is practically paradox for me.
My mom is one wonderful woman, even I don't think I can be as strong as she is. But I was growing up apart from her, and I didn't really know her that well. I spent my childhood with my grandma, and then in my teenage years I lived with my aunt. We tried to mend our relationship, tho, since we only have each other. Meeting her, going home to my humble abode takes a little bit of effort but I don't mind; I never do. She's my everything.
But, when time went a little bit too hard for me, did I realize this: I had nobody to stand up for me. To take care, to nurture, and to educate is a mom's job desc, but to protect the child from any kind of harm, to make sure that the child is safe -it's a dad's job desc. And I thought I had none.
When I was hurt badly I couldn't even bear to survive this life anymore, I had none who could protect me. Who could stand by me; the one I could run into, the one I could tell all my pain and the one who would pick me up and make sure I'm okay. I have no one. My mom couldn't do anything when I told her the complete story; all she could do was crying, and then she hugged me and prayed for me so that I'd survive this life and be healed in time. And I believe she still does pray for me so that I can finally meet someone who will protect me.

And to think about that part again, it actually hurts a lot.

That's when I forgot that I did have a Father. And I still do. Always will.

When He saved me, I know that I'm loved -the moment I decided to open my heart for Him, He opened the heaven for me and the blessings started to come down pouring. He fixed every parts of my life, but the one thing I struggled the most was to completely rely onto Him. Like what I mentioned earlier, I did everything on my own. The only one I could trust, I could rely onto, was myself. And when I made mistakes, I also tend to think that I deserved to get punished. That's how my mind was set by this world.

And then He came into my life, even though I was a Christian since I was a kid.

He broke down every fences that I set around my life. He tore down every walls, He dragged me back to the right path even when it did hurt me a lot. He healed every part of my heart, and He gave me the ability to do things I never thought I could do. I can forgive. I can love. I can smile, I can make people laugh. I can write things; I can do anything because He made it possible for me to do everything.

In no time, I'm healed. Next month, is the 9th month and if the prophecy is right, something great's gonna happen. And since I have my faith in Him, I know it'll happen.

Sometimes it amazes me when I remember that my God is alive. I have a Father, a living Father. He's been protecting me all this time; He took a good care of me even when I looked away from Him. He still loves me no matter how many times I did wrong, above countless mistakes I made He turned it right. My baptismal name -He gave it meaning, even after that horrible decision I made, but that's how His plan over my name can be fulfilled.

He's beyond amazing. And He's alive. My Father's alive.

I'm quite curious about the surprises He already has in store for me. I'm always amazed but I know He will do more. He will always be more.

Because His perfect love cannot be overcome.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Canyon City.

Right now, I'm sitting in a coffee shop; I'm supposed to revise my thesis but I'm here, instead. Blame Canyon City for this one impulsive writing, but... Listening to his lyrics, I just can't hold it. I want to write something about this.

Thanks to Spotify radio - I used to hate it when Spotify plays some random songs when my playlist is over, but that's how I met this song and I'm thankful for that. It's Between The Stars, by Canyon City. It's been a while since I'm really in love with a song -both music and lyrics- since Youth by Daughter, Eyes Closed by The Narratives and Intertwined by Dodie (okay those are a lot, you denial).

Just like its title, this song's gonna take you to between the stars.

Let me talk about the music first -I don't know what instrument it is, but there's some melody that sounds exactly like how I'd imagine being in between the stars would feel. The first 5 seconds and I'll guarantee you'll be head over heels with this song.

And then comes the lyrics. Here's my favorite line:

Maybe I was looking down When you, the satellite, broke through

And that's just the first line. I can feel it already that Paul Johnson -the man behind Canyon City- wrote all these songs with all his heart. The lyrics, man. The lyrics are just mind blowing. His choosing of words, his stories, everything falls into place perfectly.

When you have the talent, it's not that hard to find the perfect lyrics to your perfect melody. But when you pour out all of your heart into your writings, your music; it won't be just a song. It would touch people's hearts, or even change people's lives. Feelings are that magical, believe me. Having just talent isn't enough; but having the right heart for what you're good at, would be everything. It'd be more than enough.

And how to have the right heart?

Love. To love, and if you're lucky enough, to be loved.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Still glad.

I'm glad you're not a scar,
I'm glad it didn't hurt.
I'm glad that you're just a disappointment;
Still glad I didn't lose you in the end.

Monday, July 31, 2017

Feelings: turned off.

That smile.
And his voice. In my ears. His laugh. Especially when he's laughing because of me.
Echoes in my mind, almost every single second in a day. And do you think I'm happy about that? No, I'm not. It's a torture for me.

I know he belongs to somebody else but I can't help feeling that he's the one for me. Is this wrong, I don't know. My feeling's getting in the way of me trying to find out which one is right and which one isn't. I can't seek for my conscience since it's been buried deep the day I realized I fell in love with this amazing guy.

Do you think I'm praying for him so that we can be together? No.

Everyday I ask God to keep him away from me. Everyday I ask Him to kill these feelings I have; I commit that I don't want to hurt anybody and even if there has to be someone to be hurt that would be me.

And in the end, yes it is. Me.

In the end, I think God's starting to hear my prayer and-
He's starting to drift away.

I know I have to be prepared for this but to be honest I'm not. I won't be.
One amazing guy and I know I'd never be a choice.

It's okay, tho.

I (didn't) give everything I have.

I'm looking back to that one exact moment, when
I thought I lost everything that I had.
I'm trying to find the fact that he took everything away from me, but,
No.
I find myself whole, instead.

In the end, I know. I didn't give everything I had. I'm still whole and I'm not lost. I still have so much more to give because he didn't take anything;
Just because I didn't give him everything.

I'm so much more than what he knew.