Friday, December 30, 2016

Part #3

You felt weird as you got into her car. It's still as messy as you remembered, with familiar scent that came from her; her favorite perfume. But something was still different, eventhough you couldn't tell.

"How are you?" she asked. With the same tone you still remembered, after all this time. She wore that old-style glasses she always loved, with clothes you've never seen before. Eventhough it's new clothes, but her style was always the same, the kind of style you barely see in another girl. She loved to dress in vintage clothes, the older the better. Even when you called her grandma, she'd laugh and she'd say she's one chic grandma. And you'd agree.

"I'm okay. The traffic was crazy, tho."

"Have a drink," she pointed to the left of your side, where she already put some water bottles. You took one and drank it. She was the one who got you into drinking water everyday. Damn, even water now could bring back memories you actually wanted to forget.

She's still watching the road, she always put serious face everytime she drives. But when she turned her head to you, she smiled. And she's back into serious mode again when she's facing front. You kept on watching her, trying to look normal but you actually wanted to kiss that cheek so bad.

Some music was playing; and by this time you realized why you felt weird at the beginning. The music was different. The tape was playing pop songs. The kind of songs people usually listen to.

"Why this song?" you asked.

"Why asking?"

"No, it's just... This wasn't your kind of song."

She just smiled.

Deep inside, she wanted to answer. But she didn't want to ruin this moment with memories.

She didn't have the courage to tell you, that she doesn't listen to music anymore. The real music. The kind of music that has soul in it; the kind of music that brings back memories, imagination, serenity; the kind of music that raises people's eyebrows because it's too unfamiliar.

She even stopped listen to her own music. Her songs, the ones she wrote just for you.

That's why she played radio songs. The kind of music that means nothing to her. The kind of music that has no power to destroy her; the kind of music that very much function just to fill the emptiness she felt everytime she's alone in the road, driving.

She stopped doing things she loves, just because

You stopped being the one who loves her the most.

just in case you wanted to hear my voice tonight; click this.

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Part #2

2 Nov 2015
Jarum suntik. Ruang operasi. Bentuk-bentuk abstrak, yang menjelma menjadi sebuah langit-langit dengan lampu putih. Bau yang sangat familiar namun tidak pernah disukai, merasuk ke hidung. I finally realized I woke up.

That morning went too fast; they pushed me in a wheel chair, you're running behind me, you wanted to encourage me but the nurses bothered you with papers to sign. They took me into a room, told me to take off my clothes and change it into a surgery robe.

Doctors. They're one tough people. They remained calm, while I panicked. I said to myself, no I can't do this. This is too much and I don't think I deserve this; I was the one who bear all of these karmas. While you can leave with no traces left behind; I'm your invisible traces you won't admit in the future days.

And then it went dark, too dark. I woke up several times, just to ask the doctor if they've watched Iron Man 3 and if they liked it. They laughed and it went dark again.

It was scary, but I went through it.

You're the first person I saw when I woke up. I felt fuckin' tired but as I saw you, I felr recharged.

"Are you okay?" You asked. Your calm face showed some expression I never saw before; you're really worried and sad at the same time.

"I'm okay. You're here."

"I'll always be."

That night I found out you wrote something for me while I was unconcious. The sweetest, truest thing you ever said to me. That your life and mine had become one; and how you've become strong because of my existence.

On second thought, I was strong because you were there. You were there the whole time, holding my hand everytime the pain stroke, prayed for me, took a good care of me until I fully recovered from that tragedy; mentally and physically.

29 Dec 2016
I come back to this place, but this time I'm all alone. There's no you to hold my hand, to ease my pain away. The pain in my body is gone but the one inside my heart stays. It stays with the scar; scar that can't be removed for life. I looked back and for the first time I regret my choices. My choices to stay strong as long as you're here. Because now I'm all alone, and I wasn't as strong as I used to be,
Because you were not with me.

"That notes, I still keep it. But is it still relevant now?"

-to be continued-

Monday, December 26, 2016

Part #1

How did we get here?
That's the question I've been asking -but only inside my head. I tried to remain calm, while my heart was sinking and my world seems to be out of its lane.
"I'm sorry it has to end this way," you told me. Your voice was always calm, the kind of calmness I won't ever be able to maintain. Your face told lies since it's not the expression of what your heart truly felt. But I couldn't say anything. I couldn't confront you because this is what it should be. Even four years ago, we already knew our ending, but we were in denial.
"It's okay. I know. I understand."
In which I lied.
No, I wasn't okay. And I didn't know. And I didn't understand. We were so in love; I was at the point where I thought you're MY one. And how hurtful it was to find out that I was wrong?
Life plays jokes too harsh, sometimes.
"I care about you so much, it won't change. You can call me anytime and I will always push the green button."
Yeah, right.
Like I can still call you and expecting the same feelings at the end of the line? No.
You love me, I know you do. And I do love you too. But why don't you fight the battle like I do?
"I told you I would sacrifice anything, even my life, for you. You won't find a girl like me."
"I know; it's my loss, not yours."
I sighed.
The ship had sailed, nothing can change your mind, not even God.

I thought I can handle this, since I've been going through so many battles before and I always won.
But maybe this is the battle where I eventually lost.

-to be continued-

Wednesday, December 14, 2016


What does happiness mean to you?
For me,
It's as simple as waking up next to my cat, and she's purring
As simple as finding good place in town to be spent alone, drinking coffee and writing things
Or to be grateful for the car my mom gave me exactly when it's rainy season already.

Happiness doesn't always have to be big things.
It can be found in smallest things, everyday.
As long as you don't forget to give thanks for everything you have;
Everything you took for granted.

Saturday, December 3, 2016

be true (to yourself)

People do lie. All the time. There's so many kinds of lying, including the white lie -the "good" kind of lie, they said. For example: "kamu terlalu baik buat aku." LOL.

Lie comforts; truth hurts. Indeed. Four years ago, this kind of pain didn't mean anything to me. But now, it's new; it's like I've never experienced it before and it stroke like thunder. Burned me to the ground and now I'm merely ashes.

That's why I comfort myself with lies. Lies that I'm gonna be okay. That this soon shall pass.

But no.

The more I lie to myself, the more hurtful it gets.

Who said I moved on? No, I haven't. I'm still trying too. His face is still everywhere, the memories are still as strong as ever. I don't listen to music anymore; I barely play my own song, the song I wrote for him. The pajamas I wear right now, the Panda doll I hug, it was from him and still smells like him. Even every single pictures I post on Instagram, it's all taken by him whom I can't credit anymore because we're basically strangers now.

But as much as I missed him, he seems so far away, and irrelevant, for me. I still remember him but isn't clear as it used to be. His face is slowly fading... It's like a blurry picture, or when I try to see something without my glasses on. Blur. Still there, tho.

My heart still aches, but it doesn't come with tears. I don't hold it; I don't hold feelings anymore because it fuckin' hurts. I let it all out when I need to. I cried, I asked God why this happened to me, I worried a lot about my future because the one I used to rely onto is gone now. But as much as I protest to Him, He told me to surrender. As simple as that.

Which I did, and now my burden is passing. He's kind enough to take it from me and carry it on His own.

He gave me strength I needed the most. If it were the old me, I won't be able to not communicate with him even for just a day. But now, I'm able to and the most surprising fact of all, I'm actually okay with that.

It hurts, but better than trying to stay for him.

I know breakups are horrible. But you don't have to cope with the pain; just let it all out. Feel it; make it your best friend until that pain can't hurt you any longer. That's when you get up, and face the world.

Believe me, people are gone for good reason. My mom parted ways with my dad and now she's happier than ever. Some things aren't meant for you; and you've got to accept it with a big heart.
Because when you do, Universe will reward you with something better; if not the best.

Keep believing, and never lose your faith. Be the positive vibes that the world needs badly right now.

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Midnight thoughts.

Have you ever loved someone
So deep, so true, so undescribeable,
All you ever wanted is to be with him;
To love him, to hold him,
To give him everything he needs.
So much love to share,
And you've become obsessed
He's your drug and you've no cure

Without him, you'll
Live, but damaged


Have you ever loved someone
So relentlessly
That you're willing to let him go
To let him find a better lover than you are
To let him find what's the meaning of life
To let him find his way

And to be there
When he needs
To go home

I'm the most comfortable home you ever stayed in
But maybe
I need to let you go to make you realize
There's no home like mine.

Sunday, September 18, 2016

Give thanks

It's been awhile since I avoid listen to music and appreciate the silence in the middle of the night.
We're all too busy with noises.
Music, car's honking, his voices.
Once it's silence we're all start panicking...

But man, do I just realize,
How peaceful it is when the midnight comes
It's so quiet, it redeems my head's noises.
And gives me time to rethink for what I've done..
And the ultimate of all,
Gives me time to give thanks.

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

the art of letting go.

It's been raining, the whole evening.
I'm drenched to my feet, it's shivering cold but I'm silenced
I've never been this cold;
I've never been this quiet.

Your hand, it's radiating warmth;
But I've got no courage to seek it from you.
Not since you've let me go
Not since you said we need to keep our distance.

I've never been this bitter.

I keep on remembering our happy memories
Your smiles; your kisses; your voices
Those remembrances wrapped up with sorrow;
The kind of memories you cannot let go

I wanted your heart so badly I'll die if I don't have it
I wanted your love so immensely I'll die if I don't feel it

But there are some things, you've got to let go
Sands; winds; you.
But I'm not the kind of person to let something I love go
I'm not the kind of person who
let you go.

Like I said, just before,
I won't let go of your hand unless you let go of mine.

Thursday, September 8, 2016

What to do after breakups.

1. Cry. Cry a lot. You're gonna spend your whole weeks, months, or even years to cry your heart out. Ever had a cry where your physical chest and entire body actually hurt so much? You're gonna have to go through that. That's okay.

2. Spend your time alone. Just bury your head in your pillows for days, eat ice cream by yourself, do anything alone. Enjoy your loneliness; you're gonna get used to it. After that, you'll learn, you are your own best friend.

3. Remember him; that's okay. Go take a look in your pictures; your scrapbook; anything that reminds you of your togetherness. Remember the good things. It's worth to be remembered.

*by this time, you'll realize, that Inside Out the movie is supposed to be a movie for adult. Why? Because this is the time, when you remember good things but it's wrapped up with sadness.

4. Do your favorite things. Interact with another beings; whether it's human or your cats. I find it consoling to play with my adorable cat; before I remembered he's the one who gave me that cat. *brb cry in the corner*.

5. Do anything to make yourself happy. Even when that means you need to find a rebound guy; that's okay. This is a perfect time to be selfish. Make platonic relationship as much as possible.

6. Keep a regular schedule; being busy is the best distraction for your broken heart, Find a job, finish your school, anything. The busier you've become, the faster you'll get better. It needs time, I know.

7. Watch happy videos. Funny animals, anything. I find myself being consoled everytime I watch an audition; America's Got Talent, Britain's Got Talent, anything. I love it when I see someone else's successfull moments. And it gives me a positive vibe, too. That kind of feeling when you know you'll get your life sorted, someday. This is just the time where you dropped all your puzzle pieces and you just need to work it out again. Just keep believing, you're gonna see the complete puzzle as soon as possible.

7. You will find yourself still remembering him, and there's nothing wrong with that. You'll recover but that doesn't mean you'll forget everything.

8. Make other people happy, by giving, or else.

9. Filter yourself from social media. Try to control yourself not to stalk any of his social media accounts. If you see him doing better or even worse, seeing someone else, it's just gonna ruin your whole process and you'll need to start over. No need to waste your time. Just wish him happiness; and don't stalk him EVER.

10. Hope for the best; time is your best and worst friend. Someday you'll look at your past and you'll be surprised on how much you've been going through, and you passed that, and you came out stronger than before.

*I'm still in the phase -1, by the way. The I-won't-move-on phase. Sob.*

Saturday, August 6, 2016

Lost in Woods

How often do I neglect the small things in life?
Fresh air, fallen leaves, forehead kisses.
I ran out of luck but never run out of blessing,
where you're counted as one and only.

I hold onto your reflection while I look past your shadow...

Fresh air;
I get to breathe in your scent once again,
Fallen leaves;
Keep holding me, my gravity,
Forehead kisses:

How often we forget how we've been shaped before?
We just remember the state we are now;
Settled and safe and sound.
We have learned to deal with pain in the past.
But somehow,
They're lurking in the corner, and we're still amateurs.

We're still hurt and not getting better
We lost each other and we can't find another

We're chasing down love that's a heartbreak away </3

Thursday, August 4, 2016

Bullying in real life.

Mainstream topic, but why not.

I'm that kind of person who loves to read articles, news, or whatsoever and scroll down right to the comments section. I love to read other people's opinions about something, I think it helps me learn to open my horizon somehow. I love reading inspiring, encouraging, and constructive comments, but lately, it's really hard to find them.

Nowadays, people tend to bully rather than to give constructive critizism. Do you guys know Awkarin? The recent 'selebgram', who rose up because of her latest vlog which gained 2M views. WOW. 2M views. At first I'm wondering, how good is her vlog? I mean, how good is she compared to Zoella, beauty vlogger from British who just got her diamond play button from Youtube because of her 10M subscribers? But no, her subscribers just hit the number 120K or something. not as big as Zoella's. But who's this girl? A lot of young girls idolize her, making her their role model, and her relationship as their #relationshipgoals (which sadly, just ended, so is it still a #relationshipgoals then? :D)

But oh boy, what a girl she is.

Living in Indonesia, with such a lot of conventional minds around, I know it's hard to be her. She's soo young (18 at age) but already living the so-called thug life. Nightclubs, liquor, cigarette, kissing, is her daily bread and butter. In America, yes maybe it's cool, but here in Indonesia? Man, this girl is looking for some trouble. It's even more troubling when she's being idolized by a lot of younger girls out there. Yes, this calls for some concern.

But aside from her negative portfolio, I have to say she's cool, man. Not her lifestyle, but her ability to earn 32M rupiahs per two days ON HER OWN. I mean... I'm still living off my mother's money. I'm a useless potato.

Okay, moving on.

Not just her ability to earn her own money, but she also has a great skill in video editing and also her instagram gallery is soo pleasing to see. I loooove her instagram feed. It's consistently pretty. See? Everything has two sides, the good and the bad. But too bad our society prefer to see the bad side rather than the good side. A lot of people left comment on her instagram or youtube account, some are nice, but most of them are destructive words. Yes, I know, I'm not on her side as well, but leaving destructive comments aren't gonna help her, dude, it'll just make her sink any deeper.

No, I'm not her fans, nor her haters. I'm just a potato who has too much free time and decided to stalk whoever on the news today lol. But this came to my mind; it's hard to find positive vibes from our environtment lately. It's easy to hate, to judge, to say bad things about the other people.. Because they feel safe, hiding behind their profile picture (which maybe fake).

Yes, Karin is not a great role model for our younger fellow. She's still so young, it's common for a kid her age for making mistakes. This generation tends to lose directions but they don't need any judgement. They don't need hatred. They don't need to be cursed, insulted, or anything else.. They need to be led to the right path, and throwing shades at them aren't gonna help them.

Like I said before, it's hard to find positive vibes these days. But instead of searching them, why not be one? Spread positive vibes. Be a constructive person. Be inspiring, be someone who brings smile to people's faces. Even if when you disagree on something, that doesn't give you the right to say rude words. I'm sure we all don't like to be cursed and to hear rude words. So don't give out one.

Just like Nelson Mandela said,
"Love is natural, hate is learned."
Potato out. Keep being a positive vibe! 

img source here 

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

The Art of Letting Go

I've been watching How I Met Your Mother a lot recently. That's what you do when you have too much free time to spare, while you're still picking up all the courage to do your responsibility but instead you chose to watch a TV serial you've been watched for 100x times now. (I'm at that point where I actually memorize all the scripts lol)

D's always been at me about watching something over and over again. He's like, "why do you watch it again when you already knew the story?" and I'm like, I don't know. One side, I'm that kind of person who doesn't like to try new thing when it's food and movies. I'd rather watch the old ones than watch the new ones and get disappointed by the bad plot or something. Second; I love how I always finding something new even when I watch old movies. It's like the phrases I never understood before but when I watch it again I'm like "ooooh I get it". Or when you accidentally chose to watch HIMYM Season 9's Sunrise episode and you're like, oh fuck; I get Ted's point.

Sunrise episode is about Barney and Robin's wedding weekend, where they lost drunk Barney and Ted and Robin went on a search for him. While being just the two of them, they started to reminisce their past, and that's when Ted unlearnt something: you love someone big enough to let them go.

It breaks my heart. I think this is the saddest episode throughout the whole season of even the whole serial.

When Ted met Jeanette to get Robin's something old, Jeanette accussed him of being crazy. She cannot understand why Ted's willing to went under a lot of pain just to make Robin happy; like trying to find Robin's old locket. Ted's answer blew me away; I didn't understand why I don't really remember this episode before but when I watch this now I can totally relate to that answer.

"If you're looking for the words that means caring about someone beyond all rationality and wanting them to have everything they want, no matter how much it destroys you, it's love.
And when you love someone, YOU DON'T STOP. EVER.
Even when people roll their eyes and call you crazy. even then. especially then.
You don't give up, because if I could give up, if I could take the whole world's advice and move on and find someone else, that wouldn't be love.
That would be some other disposable thing that is not worth fighting for."

I know then Ted found Tracy and she's everything he's been looking for. I know, someday, I'd find my Tracy too. I'd be happy with him, and he's all I've been looking for.
But just like Ted, I also know,
It wouldn't be the same if it's not Robin.

Wednesday, February 24, 2016


Finally decided to start blogging again. I've made commitment to myself to post at least once a week, and it's about fashion, some daily tips, daily life stories, etc. We'll see if I'm gonna live up to my own commitment or not :p
Your feedback is what I'm gonna appreciate the most. Don't hesitate to put any suggestion and response to my blog's contents later. Thank you :)