Friday, December 30, 2016

Part #3

You felt weird as you got into her car. It's still as messy as you remembered, with familiar scent that came from her; her favorite perfume. But something was still different, eventhough you couldn't tell.

"How are you?" she asked. With the same tone you still remembered, after all this time. She wore that old-style glasses she always loved, with clothes you've never seen before. Eventhough it's new clothes, but her style was always the same, the kind of style you barely see in another girl. She loved to dress in vintage clothes, the older the better. Even when you called her grandma, she'd laugh and she'd say she's one chic grandma. And you'd agree.

"I'm okay. The traffic was crazy, tho."

"Have a drink," she pointed to the left of your side, where she already put some water bottles. You took one and drank it. She was the one who got you into drinking water everyday. Damn, even water now could bring back memories you actually wanted to forget.

She's still watching the road, she always put serious face everytime she drives. But when she turned her head to you, she smiled. And she's back into serious mode again when she's facing front. You kept on watching her, trying to look normal but you actually wanted to kiss that cheek so bad.

Some music was playing; and by this time you realized why you felt weird at the beginning. The music was different. The tape was playing pop songs. The kind of songs people usually listen to.

"Why this song?" you asked.

"Why asking?"

"No, it's just... This wasn't your kind of song."

She just smiled.

Deep inside, she wanted to answer. But she didn't want to ruin this moment with memories.

She didn't have the courage to tell you, that she doesn't listen to music anymore. The real music. The kind of music that has soul in it; the kind of music that brings back memories, imagination, serenity; the kind of music that raises people's eyebrows because it's too unfamiliar.

She even stopped listen to her own music. Her songs, the ones she wrote just for you.

That's why she played radio songs. The kind of music that means nothing to her. The kind of music that has no power to destroy her; the kind of music that very much function just to fill the emptiness she felt everytime she's alone in the road, driving.

She stopped doing things she loves, just because

You stopped being the one who loves her the most.

just in case you wanted to hear my voice tonight; click this.

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Part #2

2 Nov 2015
Jarum suntik. Ruang operasi. Bentuk-bentuk abstrak, yang menjelma menjadi sebuah langit-langit dengan lampu putih. Bau yang sangat familiar namun tidak pernah disukai, merasuk ke hidung. I finally realized I woke up.

That morning went too fast; they pushed me in a wheel chair, you're running behind me, you wanted to encourage me but the nurses bothered you with papers to sign. They took me into a room, told me to take off my clothes and change it into a surgery robe.

Doctors. They're one tough people. They remained calm, while I panicked. I said to myself, no I can't do this. This is too much and I don't think I deserve this; I was the one who bear all of these karmas. While you can leave with no traces left behind; I'm your invisible traces you won't admit in the future days.

And then it went dark, too dark. I woke up several times, just to ask the doctor if they've watched Iron Man 3 and if they liked it. They laughed and it went dark again.

It was scary, but I went through it.

You're the first person I saw when I woke up. I felt fuckin' tired but as I saw you, I felr recharged.

"Are you okay?" You asked. Your calm face showed some expression I never saw before; you're really worried and sad at the same time.

"I'm okay. You're here."

"I'll always be."

That night I found out you wrote something for me while I was unconcious. The sweetest, truest thing you ever said to me. That your life and mine had become one; and how you've become strong because of my existence.

On second thought, I was strong because you were there. You were there the whole time, holding my hand everytime the pain stroke, prayed for me, took a good care of me until I fully recovered from that tragedy; mentally and physically.

29 Dec 2016
I come back to this place, but this time I'm all alone. There's no you to hold my hand, to ease my pain away. The pain in my body is gone but the one inside my heart stays. It stays with the scar; scar that can't be removed for life. I looked back and for the first time I regret my choices. My choices to stay strong as long as you're here. Because now I'm all alone, and I wasn't as strong as I used to be,
Because you were not with me.

"That notes, I still keep it. But is it still relevant now?"

-to be continued-

Monday, December 26, 2016

Part #1

How did we get here?
That's the question I've been asking -but only inside my head. I tried to remain calm, while my heart was sinking and my world seems to be out of its lane.
"I'm sorry it has to end this way," you told me. Your voice was always calm, the kind of calmness I won't ever be able to maintain. Your face told lies since it's not the expression of what your heart truly felt. But I couldn't say anything. I couldn't confront you because this is what it should be. Even four years ago, we already knew our ending, but we were in denial.
"It's okay. I know. I understand."
In which I lied.
No, I wasn't okay. And I didn't know. And I didn't understand. We were so in love; I was at the point where I thought you're MY one. And how hurtful it was to find out that I was wrong?
Life plays jokes too harsh, sometimes.
"I care about you so much, it won't change. You can call me anytime and I will always push the green button."
Yeah, right.
Like I can still call you and expecting the same feelings at the end of the line? No.
You love me, I know you do. And I do love you too. But why don't you fight the battle like I do?
"I told you I would sacrifice anything, even my life, for you. You won't find a girl like me."
"I know; it's my loss, not yours."
I sighed.
The ship had sailed, nothing can change your mind, not even God.

I thought I can handle this, since I've been going through so many battles before and I always won.
But maybe this is the battle where I eventually lost.

-to be continued-

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Happiness

What does happiness mean to you?
For me,
It's as simple as waking up next to my cat, and she's purring
As simple as finding good place in town to be spent alone, drinking coffee and writing things
Or to be grateful for the car my mom gave me exactly when it's rainy season already.

Happiness doesn't always have to be big things.
It can be found in smallest things, everyday.
As long as you don't forget to give thanks for everything you have;
Everything you took for granted.

Saturday, December 3, 2016

be true (to yourself)

People do lie. All the time. There's so many kinds of lying, including the white lie -the "good" kind of lie, they said. For example: "kamu terlalu baik buat aku." LOL.

Lie comforts; truth hurts. Indeed. Four years ago, this kind of pain didn't mean anything to me. But now, it's new; it's like I've never experienced it before and it stroke like thunder. Burned me to the ground and now I'm merely ashes.

That's why I comfort myself with lies. Lies that I'm gonna be okay. That this soon shall pass.

But no.

The more I lie to myself, the more hurtful it gets.

Who said I moved on? No, I haven't. I'm still trying too. His face is still everywhere, the memories are still as strong as ever. I don't listen to music anymore; I barely play my own song, the song I wrote for him. The pajamas I wear right now, the Panda doll I hug, it was from him and still smells like him. Even every single pictures I post on Instagram, it's all taken by him whom I can't credit anymore because we're basically strangers now.

But as much as I missed him, he seems so far away, and irrelevant, for me. I still remember him but isn't clear as it used to be. His face is slowly fading... It's like a blurry picture, or when I try to see something without my glasses on. Blur. Still there, tho.

My heart still aches, but it doesn't come with tears. I don't hold it; I don't hold feelings anymore because it fuckin' hurts. I let it all out when I need to. I cried, I asked God why this happened to me, I worried a lot about my future because the one I used to rely onto is gone now. But as much as I protest to Him, He told me to surrender. As simple as that.

Which I did, and now my burden is passing. He's kind enough to take it from me and carry it on His own.

He gave me strength I needed the most. If it were the old me, I won't be able to not communicate with him even for just a day. But now, I'm able to and the most surprising fact of all, I'm actually okay with that.

It hurts, but better than trying to stay for him.

I know breakups are horrible. But you don't have to cope with the pain; just let it all out. Feel it; make it your best friend until that pain can't hurt you any longer. That's when you get up, and face the world.

Believe me, people are gone for good reason. My mom parted ways with my dad and now she's happier than ever. Some things aren't meant for you; and you've got to accept it with a big heart.
Because when you do, Universe will reward you with something better; if not the best.

Keep believing, and never lose your faith. Be the positive vibes that the world needs badly right now.