Saturday, October 14, 2017

A girl who forgot how to dream.

Once, there was a girl. She spent her entire childhood, living with her grandmother. Classic story: irresponsible father, hard-working mother. She was well-taken care of, but she was alone.
Her adolescence told no different story. She moved into the city, living with her aunt, uncle, and her two adorable cousins. Here, she learned how it felt having siblings. She learned about her first crush; and how it crushed her. But still, she was alone. She always was. She learned how to deal with problems on her own; she's her biggest strength. Nobody taught her how to handle impolite guys at school. Nobody taught her how to reply her crush's text. Nobody taught her how to make friends; nobody ever taught her how to reply when someone asked her what's her biggest strength and weakness.


Come to think about it, she learned everything on her own. That's why she's bad at managing things. She's bad at encouraging herself to do her responsibility. She's got so many talents but not everyone of them were well-developed because, well, nobody in her family recognized that and encouraged her.

A girl whose dreams she forgot, just because nobody taught her how to pursue it.

Along the way, the Kind Hands led her to the paths she's supposed to walk in. But as rebellious as she was; she chose another path. She trusted none but herself. Of course, that path crushed her; into pieces, this time. She barely made it back to the first path; the one she left behind. But here she is, now, taking the right highway, at least.

How come she knows that this time, the road is correct?

Simple. The highway she's in right now, is blessed with so many signs. Signs that finally lead her to her dreams.
She still doesn't know how to make her dreams come true, tho. But she knows, she's taking the right highway and her Driver is the best Driver of all. The One who will steer her to the right exit when it's time to arrive, arrive at one dream to another.

One thing that she does best eventho she learned this on her own:

She knows how to give overflowing love, without asking anything in return. That's what she does best. And come to think of it, maybe her heart of gold is her best gift of all. The one that kept her alive, survived.

Oh, and she knows, now. She was never alone. Not even once.

Sunday, September 24, 2017

Kota (dan kamu) yang baru.

Belajar mengenal seseorang itu seperti belajar mengenal kota yang baru kamu tinggali.
Menghafalkan rute jalan, menerima kenyataan kalau kota yang baru ini punya titik macet di beberapa tempat. Mulai menemukan makanan-makanan enak di sudut tersembunyi, kafe kecil untuk menyendiri, dan sudut yang manis untuk diambil fotonya.

Kamu pun, sama.

Tidak butuh waktu lama bagiku untuk menyadari, kota baruku ini rumahku. Di tengah segala keruwetannya, kesibukannya; dia nyaman. Dia menawan. Semakin aku mengenal sudut-sudut yang tersembunyi, semakin dia menarik bagiku. Suaranya ketika pagi menjelang dan malam menyapa, sama-sama indahnya. Dan, matahari terbenamnya luar biasa indah.
Kota ini juga tidak pernah gagal membuatku tertawa. Caranya bercanda, caranya menikmati kopi di pagi hari sembari menggodaku hingga aku tidak bisa lagi menahan tawaku. Caranya membuat aku lupa sakit yang ada di kota tempat aku tinggal sebelumnya, yang tak jauh dari sini. Kota yang dulunya aku kira rumah, namun ternyata merasa aku bukan lagi penghuni yang pantas untuk tinggal disana.

Ah, sudahlah. Kota yang baru ini lebih indah untuk aku ceritakan.

Aku suka penemuan baruku tiap hari tentangnya; bagaimana aku menyusurinya dan perlahan peta di otakku mulai terbentuk. Semakin aku mengenalnya, semakin aku suka. Kemarin, aku menemukan kedai kopi kecil dengan barista ramah yang memberiku cappuccino gratis hanya karena aku mengajaknya mengobrol tentang kopi. Atau buku yang aku temukan di toko barang bekas, dan juga vintage vinyl The Smiths yang sudah lama aku cari.

Mungkin hingga sekarang, kota ini masih sulit memutuskan apakah aku penghuni yang layak untuk tinggal. Tidak apa, yang jelas aku tahu; selalu ada yang lebih baik dari yang apa aku kira, itu terbaik.

Sunday, September 10, 2017

Flowing river.

I dream about water a lot ever since I was a kid. And I'm the kind of person who never took dreams I had at night for granted; I believe some dreams do have meanings. Even God can talk to us through dreams, a lot. And sometimes, my dreams are signs about things that are gonna happen in my life. Believe this or not, but every time I'm going to win some competition or good things are going to happen in my life, I'd be dreaming about clear water and catching fish the night before. But when something bad is gonna happen, I usually get a dream about flood and unclear, polluted water.

These past weeks, the same thing happened. I dreamed a lot about water a lot (and getting pregnant due in a week, once. that was one beautiful dream). The first dream I remembered was a tsunami's about to happen but it didn't reach the place where I was at. And the water was already sooo high above the houses, and it's crystal clear. And I didn't feel afraid, not even a second.
And last night, I dreamed about clear water and it's everywhere. Everywhere I went to in my dream, I saw clear water. And the funny thing there was one small whale that swam happily in a pond. I couldn't catch it, but it was a beautiful sight to watch. I still remembered the details; how blue the water's color was. And I felt good every time I had a dream about clear water.

I think this time, instead of thinking about what kind of blessing is going to happen or to be given to my life, I think God wanted to tell me to have the character of water. Water has this life-giving personality. Bible mentioned water a lot, even Jesus is Living Water. I opened and every scriptures in the Bible talks about the beauty of water. How it fulfills life; emptying and filling all at once. How it's supposed to clean things, and even though it gets polluted once it goes through the ground, it'll be cleaned and purified once again. It doesn't disappear; it's the mark of a new life for someone who gets baptized. John 7:38 [AMP] said "He who believes in Me [who adheres to, trusts in, and relies on Me], as the Scripture has said, ‘From his innermost being will flow continually rivers of living water."

I do believe God saved me for a reason, and along the way I asked Him what is His purpose for me. What kind of destiny He's set for me, from the very beginning. And now the answer is getting clearer, day by day.

"Be like water. To give life, to fulfill. Filling and emptying all at once."

Saturday, September 2, 2017

August, the last month.

Dear, August,

The 8th month; the month where I learned the most about myself. My strengths and my weaknesses, how to deal with unpleasant situation. How to be patient, how to wait; how to search for answers and listen carefully. How to be aware with my surroundings, how to treat people kindly, how to put others' need before my own need.
How to be happy --how to finally be in love again.
But as much as I'm in love with now, that feeling subsides slowly just because I realized he's not the one.

Sometimes I asked God, why I had to meet just another wrong guys and the people I don't think actually deserved it met the right one just as fast? But it's not my portion, I don't even have THE right to ask God's justice.

He's the best Judge of all, after all. and after all the tiring process I finally learned how to let go, how to forgive, how to accept things just the way they are.

They said, the pain before giving birth is the worst kind of pain. This is the 8th month and next month I'm gonna give birth --to a new life. new beginning. new heart. new lesson. new process. new me.

I have a big project coming up; my workplace is the best place I could've ever asked for, my friends are the kindest, and my family are as supportive as ever --I have no reason not to be thankful, each and everyday. If He's going to bring me to whole another level I have to be ready with all the risks, all the sweat, all the hardwork and the price I have to pay --but if it's Him everything's gonna be okay.

So, thank you, August, for the bittersweet; for the confusion, the search, and the finding. And the realization.

See ya next year, and when that time of the year comes I'd look back to this one exact moment and feel differently. Better state, better place, better companion.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017


People keep talking about holes. What left you empty in life; what makes you stay awake until 3 in the morning. What makes you cry and wonder, "what if.."
And I used to say, no, I have no holes. God fills everything perfectly, in His time. I have had my lonely days, yes I know. I still haven't got used to it but I never felt that way anymore. I felt okay doing everything on my own, I'm good at doing anything alone since I was a kid anyway so no sweat. But, here's the thing I realized lately, that yes
I do have holes. In my heart.
I'm abundantly loved my whole life. No matter how naughty I was, no matter how many times I broke my mom's heart -and my entire family- with bad things I did back in my teenage days, no matter how bad my teenage angst was ㅡthey loved me so much and they still do. The best family I could've asked for.
Friends? I've been blessed with so many beautiful people all my life. Beautiful souls. I have best friends since my junior high school days, we didn't talk that much but once we do, we couldn't stop. We've been friends for 13 years now. And I found my soul sister back in my high school days; and I couldn't ask for a better sister than she is. I have soo many people who have been praying for me in my broken days, and cheering up for me when I finally got back in my feet again.
And not to mention, my amazing, living Father. For never leaving me nor forsaken me. For keep loving me for whatever I am, never punish and blesses me with miracles instead.

And just now I realized what my hole is.

How I'm longing to love someone with all my heart again. Someone to be cared about, someone to hug, someone to console when they have their bad days. Someone to be made known how special they are.

And I do hope, God fills that hole in His perfect timing too, with perfect someone as well. I believe He will; He's that kind. ♥️

Thursday, August 10, 2017

He's got this.

At times like this,
The old me would just run into the unknown, crashing into things,
Forcing feelings, and being manipulative.
At times like this, the old me would do anything to achieve things I want to have.
And then, I'd be worn myself out; running out of breath, disappointed at myself, because of things I can't have.
At times like this,
I would be crying; I would be writing so many hurtful poems in anger.

But this time, I realize what a different person I've become.
I feel peace. Content. Glad I don't have to do everything by myself. Glad that I don't have to rely onto my own self, because I don't even believe in my capability to do anything. I'm content with people who keep their distance without warning; if they're supposed to stay, they would stay and I don't have to worry about anything. If they're meant to leave, they're actually just making bigger rooms for better people to come. So I have nothing to lose, actually.

Eventhough, I do feel this: I miss that person. A lot.

But I'm okay. He's with me. He said to me that He's got this. Eventhough I can't see it clearly, I will someday. I have nothing to worry about; I have my Father to rely onto, and He's capable of doing any sort of things. Why should I worry?
Why should I force things?

He'll work it out for me; He's that kind. My Jesus is that kind.

He's got this, and I'm in peace.

Sunday, August 6, 2017

My Living Father.

Growing up fatherless, I tend to do everything on my own. Yes, I do have the privilege of being the only child in my family, and my mother is everyone's favorite as well so I cannot say that I wasn't spoiled. My life's easy, yet it's hard at the same time -yes, everything was and is practically paradox for me.
My mom is one wonderful woman, even I don't think I can be as strong as she is. But I was growing up apart from her, and I didn't really know her that well. I spent my childhood with my grandma, and then in my teenage years I lived with my aunt. We tried to mend our relationship, tho, since we only have each other. Meeting her, going home to my humble abode takes a little bit of effort but I don't mind; I never do. She's my everything.
But, when time went a little bit too hard for me, did I realize this: I had nobody to stand up for me. To take care, to nurture, and to educate is a mom's job desc, but to protect the child from any kind of harm, to make sure that the child is safe -it's a dad's job desc. And I thought I had none.
When I was hurt badly I couldn't even bear to survive this life anymore, I had none who could protect me. Who could stand by me; the one I could run into, the one I could tell all my pain and the one who would pick me up and make sure I'm okay. I have no one. My mom couldn't do anything when I told her the complete story; all she could do was crying, and then she hugged me and prayed for me so that I'd survive this life and be healed in time. And I believe she still does pray for me so that I can finally meet someone who will protect me.

And to think about that part again, it actually hurts a lot.

That's when I forgot that I did have a Father. And I still do. Always will.

When He saved me, I know that I'm loved -the moment I decided to open my heart for Him, He opened the heaven for me and the blessings started to come down pouring. He fixed every parts of my life, but the one thing I struggled the most was to completely rely onto Him. Like what I mentioned earlier, I did everything on my own. The only one I could trust, I could rely onto, was myself. And when I made mistakes, I also tend to think that I deserved to get punished. That's how my mind was set by this world.

And then He came into my life, even though I was a Christian since I was a kid.

He broke down every fences that I set around my life. He tore down every walls, He dragged me back to the right path even when it did hurt me a lot. He healed every part of my heart, and He gave me the ability to do things I never thought I could do. I can forgive. I can love. I can smile, I can make people laugh. I can write things; I can do anything because He made it possible for me to do everything.

In no time, I'm healed. Next month, is the 9th month and if the prophecy is right, something great's gonna happen. And since I have my faith in Him, I know it'll happen.

Sometimes it amazes me when I remember that my God is alive. I have a Father, a living Father. He's been protecting me all this time; He took a good care of me even when I looked away from Him. He still loves me no matter how many times I did wrong, above countless mistakes I made He turned it right. My baptismal name -He gave it meaning, even after that horrible decision I made, but that's how His plan over my name can be fulfilled.

He's beyond amazing. And He's alive. My Father's alive.

I'm quite curious about the surprises He already has in store for me. I'm always amazed but I know He will do more. He will always be more.

Because His perfect love cannot be overcome.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Canyon City.

Right now, I'm sitting in a coffee shop; I'm supposed to revise my thesis but I'm here, instead. Blame Canyon City for this one impulsive writing, but... Listening to his lyrics, I just can't hold it. I want to write something about this.

Thanks to Spotify radio - I used to hate it when Spotify plays some random songs when my playlist is over, but that's how I met this song and I'm thankful for that. It's Between The Stars, by Canyon City. It's been a while since I'm really in love with a song -both music and lyrics- since Youth by Daughter, Eyes Closed by The Narratives and Intertwined by Dodie (okay those are a lot, you denial).

Just like its title, this song's gonna take you to between the stars.

Let me talk about the music first -I don't know what instrument it is, but there's some melody that sounds exactly like how I'd imagine being in between the stars would feel. The first 5 seconds and I'll guarantee you'll be head over heels with this song.

And then comes the lyrics. Here's my favorite line:

Maybe I was looking down When you, the satellite, broke through

And that's just the first line. I can feel it already that Paul Johnson -the man behind Canyon City- wrote all these songs with all his heart. The lyrics, man. The lyrics are just mind blowing. His choosing of words, his stories, everything falls into place perfectly.

When you have the talent, it's not that hard to find the perfect lyrics to your perfect melody. But when you pour out all of your heart into your writings, your music; it won't be just a song. It would touch people's hearts, or even change people's lives. Feelings are that magical, believe me. Having just talent isn't enough; but having the right heart for what you're good at, would be everything. It'd be more than enough.

And how to have the right heart?

Love. To love, and if you're lucky enough, to be loved.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Still glad.

I'm glad you're not a scar,
I'm glad it didn't hurt.
I'm glad that you're just a disappointment;
Still glad I didn't lose you in the end.

Monday, July 31, 2017

Feelings: turned off.

That smile.
And his voice. In my ears. His laugh. Especially when he's laughing because of me.
Echoes in my mind, almost every single second in a day. And do you think I'm happy about that? No, I'm not. It's a torture for me.

I know he belongs to somebody else but I can't help feeling that he's the one for me. Is this wrong, I don't know. My feeling's getting in the way of me trying to find out which one is right and which one isn't. I can't seek for my conscience since it's been buried deep the day I realized I fell in love with this amazing guy.

Do you think I'm praying for him so that we can be together? No.

Everyday I ask God to keep him away from me. Everyday I ask Him to kill these feelings I have; I commit that I don't want to hurt anybody and even if there has to be someone to be hurt that would be me.

And in the end, yes it is. Me.

In the end, I think God's starting to hear my prayer and-
He's starting to drift away.

I know I have to be prepared for this but to be honest I'm not. I won't be.
One amazing guy and I know I'd never be a choice.

It's okay, tho.

I (didn't) give everything I have.

I'm looking back to that one exact moment, when
I thought I lost everything that I had.
I'm trying to find the fact that he took everything away from me, but,
I find myself whole, instead.

In the end, I know. I didn't give everything I had. I'm still whole and I'm not lost. I still have so much more to give because he didn't take anything;
Just because I didn't give him everything.

I'm so much more than what he knew.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

The Sun

My heart aches the whole day, I don't know
Maybe because I keep on staring at the sun that blinds my eyes
Touching, and get burned
Waiting, and have nothing in return
I know, I shouldn't be
Falling for the one that can't see me
But I can't handle that shine; I can't resist even the risks of falling for
The sun
That I cannot have
I'd get burned; I'd be blind, I don't mind
That scar will forever reminds me of you;
And in the darkness I will always see you.

Lost stars

I had this strange dreams, the other day.
I was in another galaxy; watching the earth from afar.
The blue, mesmerizing place I used to call home.
But from where I stood, I saw the world is changing.
The glistening sky turned white,
And people started to forget
What was the purpose of their existence.
Those were lost stars
Abandoned from the constellation through their own will
Lost stars, never found their way back home
And here my heart ached like hell, knowing thay they had no idea
How amazing it feels, to be loved by the Universe.

today, I pray for them
ㅡto be found;
to find a way back to the constellation where they belong,
ㅡand to spark like how they're suppose to.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

About him.

So, sky, haven't I told you about him?
Maybe this is the thousandth times I'd tell you about this amazing person, but I just can't stop, since everyday I'm discovering him more and more and
Falling for him, more and more.
Let me tell you about his sweet sound, sings me to sleep every night.
The scent his body makes everytime our skins touch;
And that cheeky smile he gives me when I'm pouting.
The way he reads my mind through my eyes, just because he knows me that much
And he knows that my eyes don't lie.
Man.. There's so much about him that I still don't know about, but I've already fallen so deep.
The constellation shuts still, tho.
Would you crack universe open, just so I can fly to the constellation he belongs in?

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

I'm in love.

The Universe is being really kind, these days.
Perhaps they're tired of seeing my tears and myself at the corners, trying to gather all the pieces together.
Or maybe it's just me, finally make a mend with Them.

I'm falling in love with life, lately. How complex the constellation has made me;
One journey I would never forget and I'm still 24.
Walking in the right path, holding the right hands, and having the right heart,
I couldn't ask for better companion than those.

And I can finally say this:
I am truly, happy.

Monday, July 3, 2017

Sunday, July 2, 2017

the darkest valley.

kemarin aku bertemu seseorang; dan kami membicarakan perasaan tergelap yang bisa dimiliki oleh manusia: kematian.
mengapa gelap? kematian bukan akhir. dalam kepercayaanku, bahkan, kematian adalah keuntungan. lalu kenapa bagi kami, itu adalah perasaan tergelap?
karena kami pernah ingin mati dan itu bukan karena kami merasa beruntung.

kalau sekarang aku mengingat-ingat perasaan itu, ada sakit luar biasa di ulu hati yang kadang sampai ke ujung jari. sambil berpikir, ya Tuhan, aku pernah ingin mati, dan aku pernah berusaha mencapai keinginanku itu. walaupun sekarang perasaan itu sudah hilang sama sekali, tetapi itu bukan jenis perasaan yang bisa dilupakan. kita bisa lupa rasanya jatuh cinta, rasanya patah hati, tapi ingin mati bukan salah satunya.

kukatakan tergelap karena ingin mati adalah ke-putus-asaan yang sudah tidak terukur kadarnya.

segelap apapun lembah itu, aku bersyukur pernah disana. pernah merasakan itu membuatku bisa jauh lebih memahami orang lain; mereka punya peperangan sendiri dan aku tidak pada tempatnya untuk menghakimi atau mengukur. aku bisa benar-benar sedih untuk orang lain. aku bisa benar-benar menahan perasaanku ketika apa yang akan aku lakukan berpotensi menyakiti orang lain. dan, aku bisa menghargai hidup lebih dan lebih lagi, karena aku diselamatkan dari kehilangan; kehilangan diriku sendiri.

tidak ada obat penyembuh yang lebih manjur daripada mendekatkan diri kepada Pencipta. dekat denganNya membuat kita sadar kalau sakit itu hanya sementara, dan dari Dia lah kita mendapat kekuatan.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

My prayer

You know you're healed when certain places came up on your instagram timeline and it did bring back memories, but you feel fine.
You know time is still working when certain songs are played on radio, the kind of songs you used to skip but now the song has no power anymore.
You give power to things to hurt you, so
You're basically hurting yourself.
But I'm glad that you're slowly stopping, now.
I'm glad you choose to watch Running Man when you feel like crying.
I'm glad you decide to go out, dress up in your best outfit and having fun with your friends, instead of burying your head in your pillows for days.
I'm glad you're starting to feel alive these days.
I'm glad you start praying again after stopped doing it for so long;
I'm glad you're talking again to you Creator.
He's the best healer of all, anyway.

I'd pray for you just like how I always do,
For you to be filled with happiness, joy and peace
For your heart to feel content with everything you have
For you to be strong at times like sudden memories strike in the morning at three; just ignore them, light your jasmine candle, and go to sleep.
For you to feel beautiful everytime you look into the mirror; that your scars will fade and someone's gonna love you for your flaws no matter how irremovable they are.
For you to finally forgive yourself and start loving yourself for what you are...

... for you're one magnificent creation.

- a brief conversation with contentment

Thursday, June 8, 2017


Hatiku mulai sembuh,
Tempat yang baru, orang asing, memang obat yang mujarab untuk luka.
Tempat dimana tidak ada seorangpun yang tahu masalalumu.
Tempat dimana tidak ada kenangan sedikitpun tentang kamu dan orang itu.
Tempat dimana semuanya seperti baru, lahirmu pun.
Pikiranmu baru, hatimu baru, walau tidak tubuhmu, tapi tak mengapa. Mungkin bekas itu bisa jadi sesuatu yang berguna di masa depanmu; siapa yang tahu.
Hanya saja, tolong,

Jangan jatuh cinta lagi.

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

I don't know.

You know you're not healed when it still hurts like hell, everytime your mind wanders to places it shouldn't go.
But who can control your mind? They have their own will, somehow. Just like your heart.
How badly it hurts, broken, scarred, your heart wants to heal. It wants to be okay, for you. But sometimes heart lost the battle, and the mind wins all the time.
The worst thing is, once your mind wins, the pain comes through to your whole body. Killing you slowly from the inside. That's when your heart regrets for letting your mind win the battle.
How long your heart can take the pain? The hurt? The sad and ugly truth? That yes, he's happy and you're miserable. He's okay and you're not. He's whole and you're in pieces. He found another lover while you cannot believe in love anymore.
How to be healed?
I don't know. I tried and I'm still trying. Sometimes it hurts like hell, but at least I don't want to kill myself anymore anytime the pain strikes back.
I'm coping with the pain. I'm used to it. Eventhough I still grasp for air everytime the heart suffers from the painful memories, I welcome them like an old friend.
Maybe that's how you're healed. Don't ask me, because
I don't know anymore.

Saturday, May 27, 2017

a brief conversation with heart.

"come to think of it, I don't want him to find me as broken pieces.
I want him to find me as the rarest diamond he's ever seen
or like how the sunset fascinates him,
and how the morning excites him,
I want him to find me in that state, because I know
he's gonna be more than amazing to me.
and as amazing as he is, I don't want him to find broken pieces,
I want him to find the most amazing person he could ever see,
and that would be me."

Friday, May 26, 2017

If you ask me,

If you ask me who do I expect now,
I don't know.
I was a dreamer once but since I'm lost I can't find the way back to that valley; where I used to sit down for hours, imagining things.
But maybe it's time to grow up, to stop just sitting down, and stop imagining things.
If you ask me,
I have no picture whatsoever about who I'm gonna end up with.
The one I'm gonna kiss in the morning, no matter how smelly his breath is, it would smell like jasmine to me.
The one I'm gonna cook my fave comfort meal, just to remind him what home is.
The one I'm gonna tell my deepest fears, yet with no fear at all since I know he's gonna be my safest haven.
The one who listens to my music, the one who can really see my pictures, the one who reads my writings.
The one who's just as crazy as I am about coffee, books, and old buildings.
The one who
ㅡhits the reset button.

I don't know and I don't believe that I'm gonna find that kind of person, but I know; that someday

I'm gonna read this again and say, "see, you're wrong, past Monika."

Monday, May 22, 2017

sadness and hurt.

You, one sad, beautiful thing.
You sit here alone, every night; battling with your own emotions.
You're so overwhelmed with things you shouldn't feel but you cannot help it everytime those thoughts come creeping in every morning at 3.
Revenge doesn't satisfy you, you're not looking for one vengeful event but you're still hollow inside.
You're hurting and full of sadness; yet you have to act like everything's okay, just to calm the storms around you.
You've gotten over your hatred, your anger; but sadness is one thing you cannot let go. You will always be that one sad, beautiful thing, you know that.
Beautiful, but sad.
You've been battling with depression for how many months, now? The thoughts of ending your journey just as soon as possible; not because you want to see the end of this, not because you're weak, not because you're seeking for attention, not because you're feeling worthless;
but simply because you cannot forgive yourself.
You still haven't forgiven yourself after all this time, have you?
Oh, you one sad, beautiful thing, you know how much I want to bury you in my embrace right now, showering you with warmth, just because I know you deserve to be loved.
I don't want to advise you; I won't waste your time with the same words you've heard for thousand times already. No.
I just want to envelope you in warmth and love.
So that they can end the winter inside your heart.
You, one sad, beautiful thing..
You're full of sadness and you're hurting, I see.

ㅡ a brief conversation with mirror.

Malang, 22 Mei 2017
06.05 am

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

kehilangan dirimu.

Aku pernah. Rela kehilangan diriku sendiri, karena aku mencintai seseorang. Kehilangan segalanya.
Tapi bukankah memang cinta harus seegois itu? Harus ada yang berkorban. Harus ada yang mengalah. Harus ada yang memberi lebih dan kurang menerima.
Lalu aku belajar, ketika aku hilang.
Aku pernah mencintai sampai kepada titik aku rela mati. Aku rela kalau harus berpisah jalan dengan Penebusku. Aku merelakan untuk berpindah jalan dari jalan keselamatan demi cintaku. Aku memperjuangkan sampai titik darah penghabisan. Aku rela kehilangan masa depanku. Aku rela kehilangan apapun yang aku punya ketika itu. Sampai pada titik ketika aku habis; ketika aku hilang; ketika aku tidak punya apapun lagi untuk diberikan;
Dia pergi. Dan dia mendapatkan cinta yang baru. Orang yang masih utuh. Bukan yang sudah habis seperti aku.
Tidak ada satupun yang dia tinggalkan, semuanya dibawa. Harga diriku. Pengorbananku. Cintaku. Nyawaku. Aku berserak di tanah, seperti pecahan kaca yang sudah tidak diinginkan lagi karena, untuk apa? Tidak ada gunanya lagi.
Sampai pada titik, buat apa aku begini, tidak ada bedanya dengan nyawa-nyawa tersesat jalan. Lebih baik aku bergabung bersama mereka, sekalian. Setidaknya aku tidak sendiri.

Luar biasa, ya. Ada orang yang bisa hidup bahagia sementara orang yang mereka siakan hanya bisa berpikir mati.

Ya, aku sempat mati. Tapi ini bedanya: ternyata memang harus seperti itu. Aku harus mati supaya aku bisa terlahir baru, hati yang baru, segala sesuatu yang baru. Karena yang lama sudah tidak bisa diperbaiki sama sekali; sementara ini belum waktuku untuk pergi.

Aku bangga, bangga pada diriku sendiri. Bangga akan kemampuan hatiku untuk mencintai seseorang; bangga akan keinginanku untuk selalu membahagiakan orang lain. Bangga akan ketidak mampuanku untuk menyakiti orang lain. Aku lebih baik disakiti daripada menyakiti. Sakiti aku berkali-kali dan aku akan tetap bangun, lebih kuat dari sebelumnya.

Aku bukan aku yang lama; tapi kemampuanku tetap sama. Aku tidak akan berubah hanya karena aku pernah mati karena cinta. Aku akan tetap mencintai orang lain sebesar itu, aku akan tetap rela mati demi orang yang aku cintai. Pada akhirnya, semua ini bukan perkara aku ingin dibalas dengan perlakuan yang sama atau tidak. Aku hanya punya terlalu banyak cinta dan aku sudah cukup dengan diriku sendiri.

Monday, May 15, 2017


you may realize this or not, we're all in the same battle: a one constant, never ending battle. it's happening inside our head, everyday. some battle are way more quiet than the others; including mine. but some are way too loud that sometimes you're drowned in your own thoughts. eaten up alive, from the inside. next time you know, you wake up covered in dirt and flowers.


I'm not the kind of person who gets anxious easily. I can dim that battle inside my head whenever I want, and they're never loud, so I was okay. Was.
But now the battle is getting bigger and louder; I need to start listening to what they're battling about.

But the more I listen, the more anxious I get.

What are they? Why are they trying to undermine every steps, every choices I make? It's not a battle to win. It's a battle to lose. To make us lose ourselves, eventually. It's not a battle for a good cause; they're not struggling for a better day.

Instead of burning the bridges they tell us to burn ourselves.

I woke up dead, the other day. I smelled roses and burned candles, and I found myself lied next to them. Dead bodies of the one who lost the battle. This was the result of me trying to dim that loud sound but I ended up getting dragged into the battle, and lost. Everyone was. This wasn't a battle to win, anyway. Once you're in, you're in, and you'd lose.

But if I was dead, how could I stare at that reflection on the mirror, now? Does the mirror tell lies? Because that reflection on the mirror that I see, she's okay. She's smiling. Her hair is full of sunflowers, and that pair of eyes are alive. Who's she?

She's you.

No, I don't want to listen to you. You're the reason I took my own life in the first place. You're the reason I didn't want to live anymore. You were saying how worthless I was. You're the one who told me there's no future; it's merely a mirage and I was in no way getting near to that so-called happy ending.

You're the one who said I didn't deserve happiness.

I'm not those voices. It was all inside your head;
and I don't live in there.

So where the hell are you from? And why should I believe you?

That girl on the mirror smiles. She looks down to my chest; and I dislike it. I hate it when people were staring down at my chest, looking at the big hole where my heart used to be. I hate to be reminded how foolish I was and everytime I got reminded of that one stupid mistake, I couldn't bear the thought and imagination of me killing myself. No, I can't kill myself anymore. I did that way too many times. And I'm tired of being a murderer.

I'm new here.

She's still staring at my chest, and I couldn't take it any longer. I look down and get ready to see that scar; that one big hole again. The one who made me feel cold at 3 am every night.

But it wasn't there.

The hole in my chest is gone. It's completely gone. My chest is whole, and it's warm, without scars.


It's beating.

"some of us are born Phoenix; we need to go through hell and die, just to rise again, born new again, but stronger than before. we're magical."

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

all is fallen.

Dia berdiri menatap tanah didepannya, diam.
Tidak tahu harus memikirkan dan merasakan apa.
Tanah itu tidak merah. Tidak ada gundukan. Tidak ada bunganya.
Tanah itu tidak layak; tapi disana terbaring bagian dari dirinya. Yang dicampakkan karena tidak dikehendaki kehadirannya. Yang dibuang begitu saja karena katanya kalau belum empat puluh hari, belum bernyawa. Dianggap tidak pernah ada, tetapi selalu datang di mimpinya.

Bahkan untuk meminta maaf saja, dia tidak sanggup. Apalagi untuk memaafkan dirinya sendiri.

Orang lain, yang juga bagian dari yang terbuang itu, hilang entah kemana. Pergi bertemu sosok lain yang lebih utuh, mungkin. Dia tertawa getir, memahami kenapa orang itu pergi. Siapa yang mau hidup bersama orang yang cacat? Yang tidak utuh? Yang berbekas luka? Berdosa? Siapa?
Wajar saja dia pergi, katanya pada diri sendiri. Berusaha untuk berdamai dengan apapun yang membuatnya bertanya-tanya, membuatnya membenci orang lain setengah mati. Dia lelah. Lebih baik berusaha memahami apapun alasan mereka; toh manusia seperti itu. Tidak ada yang salah dan benar, semuanya relatif.

Dan, bagaimana dia bisa membenci orang itu. Mereka pernah memilik sesosok yang berdarah sama, meski sekarang sudah melebur bersama tanah yang sekarang dijejaknya. Tidak, dia tidak membencinya. Dia memaafkannya. Bukan tugasnya untuk membenci atau membalas. Itu tugas semesta.

Alam mulai menangis; mendung yang menggantung sedari tadi mulai mencurahkan perasaannya.

Anak-anak kecil yang sudah menatapnya keheranan sejak kedatangannya tadi pagi, mulai terusik. Satu persatu berusaha mendekat, namun tidak berani terlalu dekat ketika mereka melihat wajahnya. Dingin. Basah, entah karena air atau karena tangis, mereka tidak tahu. Yang jelas, pemandangan di depan mereka ini tergolong aneh.

Untuk apa seorang wanita dengan pakaian modis, mobil putih keluaran terbaru, berdiri didepan sebuah tempat pembuangan sampah sambil membawa seikat bunga mawar warna merah muda dan menangis?

Perlahan, dia meletakkan bunga itu di tanah. Tidak ada yang bisa dia berikan selain bunga. Tidak ada yang bisa dia lakukan selain meminta maaf dan memohon ampunan. Setelah semuanya ini, dia tahu hidupnya sudah tidak sama.

Hidupnya sudah melebur jadi satu dengan tanah, kembali ke bentuk mulanya.

Thursday, May 4, 2017

4 Mei

To the man who left a big hole in my heart;
whose whereabouts is still unknown, to this day.
The one who once gave me a golden childhood but also a broken one,
but the one I cannot stop loving
and whose name I will always say in every prayer.
wherever you are, whatever you are doing, whoever you are with, right now,
your daughter is missing you.
happy birthday.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

the train will take me back to you.

The train.
The sun.
The sea of people.
Moving back and forth; just to reach another place. Maybe it's familiar; or maybe it will be new things to face.
Some are lucky enough to have companion, while some are still waiting for a final reunion.
You're on your own and you feel content about that. Usually. But just now something feels off about this contentment. No, feeling content doesn't give you tickles on the stomach. That feeling you get when all of your friends are finished with their tests and you're the only one who's left behind.
What's this feeling? It's uncomfortable.
The train is leaving in 20 minutes, but you still don't have any intention to board the train. You're waiting for someone to come; the one you left a note for. The one you told about your sad poems despite the fact that he was a complete stranger. But that's the beautiful things of sharing your deep dark secrets with stranger, isn't it? You won't see them again so it's not a big deal.
But this person isn't going to be just a stranger. You know that.
You check out your phone, half-cursing yourself for not leaving him your contact number. Letter? Who wrote letter, these days? Seriously, having an old soul sometimes becomes an issue when you cannot differentiate between efficiency and melodramatic.
"Attention, Malioboro train from Yogyakarta is gonna be leaving soon to final destination Malang Kota Baru station. All passengers to board the train in lane 3. Thank you and we wish you a pleasant trip."
You look at your watch one more time, and you decide to give up. This wasn't your plan, anyway. You came here to make peace with your past, not to wait for some stranger to come up and listen to the rest of your pathetic poem. You have to let that one go, maybe. The stars aren't aligned and you've gotta be agreed with what universe has planned for you.
You reach for your trunk's handle and you're ready to go into the station. But just then,
You turn your head; and there he is, your beautiful stranger. He holds a papercup of coffee in his hand, and he's panting as he reaches your place. "Thank God."
Thank the stars.
"I seriously thought I'm late."
You smile. "Almost."
"You're leaving? You're not coming back?"
"Yes, I'm leaving. And of course, I will come back. Why won't I?"
He smiles; it's almost strange how a stranger smile can be so captivating yet calming at the same time. He hands out that papercup in his right hand to you. "For your daily dose of coffee, specially brewed by yours truly."
Yours. He said that.
"Thanks. And..."
"Yes, you will see me again. Let's say... 7th of April? How's that? I already booked my ticket so you have to empty your schedule on that day. And you have to take me around your town. To the beautiful places you usually spend your sadness alone; and let me hear the last bit of your sad poem."

In the end, the stars did align.
And the train will take him back to you
--or if you couldn't wait that long, he will fly. He will. Don't you worry.

-Jogja, 19 Maret 2017-

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

the way I fall -in love.

Malam ini entah kenapa, rasanya bahagia sekali. Seperti orang yang sedang jatuh cinta -atau memang iya?
Pernahkah jantungmu berdebar sampai kamu bisa mendengar setiap detakannya? Aku pernah; ini sedang terjadi saat aku menuliskan kalimat ini. Aku bahkan tidak bisa berhenti tersenyum, seharian ini. Tiap aku mendengarkan lagu, rasanya aku tidak bisa mengontrol senyumku.
Sampai aku dibilang gila. Biarlah, lebih baik begini, rasanya luar biasa.
Aku tidak tahu kabarnya hari ini; dia dimana, sedang apa, dengan siapa. Aku tidak tahu. Lebih baik tidak; karena kalau aku tahu, aku makin suka.
Tetapi masalahnya: semakin dia tidak peduli, aku juga semakin suka.
Aku bukan tipe orang yang bisa dengan mudah jatuh cinta dengan orang asing. Kebanyakan orang yang pernah aku jatuh cinta-i adalah orang-orang disekitarku: teman kampus, teman gereja, teman sekolah. Tidak pernah ada orang asing, yang mengajakku berkenalan, lalu membuatku jatuh cinta.
Tapi dia berbeda.
Perkenalan kami aneh; tidak, aku tidak akan menceritakannya, kalau aku cerita dan dia membacanya, matilah aku hahaha. Intinya, dia orang asing bagiku. Aku juga tidak tertarik. Tetapi entah kenapa, lama-lama aku suka.
Lama-lama aku jatuh cinta.
Suaranya, senyumnya; caranya menceritakan hal yang dia kerjakan, dan betapa dia mencintai hal itu. Pelafalan bahasa inggrisnya. Suaranya saat bernyanyi. Tawanya saat menertawakan kebodohanku. Dan, ya, jaket hitam yang dikenakannya waktu itu. Dia tampan sekali, aku sampai susah bernafas.
Aku suka membaca namanya. Aku suka saat mendengar dia memanggilku. Aku suka bagaimana dia bisa membuatku jatuh cinta semudah bernafas -dan tepat disaat aku mengira aku tidak akan bisa jatuh cinta lagi. Aku suka caranya membuatku tersenyum sendiri ketika mendengarkan lagu Elephant Kind yang berjudul Why Did You Have to Go -padahal itu lagu patah hati!
Aku bisa menuliskan ribuan alasan lain, tapi untuk saat ini, cukup. Nanti kalau dia baca, matilah aku.
Aku tidak tahu akan jadi apa perasaan ini, kalaupun ujungnya pintu itu tertutup, aku sudah cukup bahagia bisa jatuh cinta dengannya. Dia sudah memberikan pertolongan yang luar biasa, tanpa dia menyadari itu. Dia bisa membuatku mendengarkan lagu cinta tanpa ada rasa sakit lagi, dia bisa membuatku ingin pergi ke tempat-tempat yang dulunya aku benci, dia bisa membuatku menulis dengan Bahasa -sesuatu yang aku hindari setahun belakangan ini. Dia membantuku bersinar lagi, tanpa dia sadari betapa besar peranannya dalam hidupku.
Kamu mungkin membaca ini, mungkin juga tidak -aku tidak pernah bisa menebakmu. Aku tahu, aku paham, kenapa sekarang kamu diam; kamu tidak ingin sakit dan juga tidak ingin menyakiti. Dan aku sangat menghargai hal itu, yah walaupun, aku makin suka karena itu. Pengertianmu dan pengorbananmu yang luar biasa itu.
Kalau kamu membacanya, aku hanya ingin bilang, terima kasih. Kamu berjasa besar, lebih dari yang kamu tahu. Dan ya, aku masih suka. (Mungkin) akan selalu suka. Kalau aku boleh meminta, aku hanya ingin kamu tinggal di hidupku, walaupun bukan sebagai pencintaku.

Monday, April 24, 2017

Safe Haven.

Pernahkah kamu bertemu seseorang yang coba diambil kematian berkali-kali,
Tapi kamu masih melihatnya bernafas sekarang, tersenyum, tertawa, bahkan menguatkan yang lemah.
Aku pernah; setiap hari, di cermin.
Orang yang di cermin itu, pernah hampir mati. Tiga kali, sepanjang umurnya yang baru akan seperempat abad.
Pertama, dia diajak bunuh diri. Pencabut nyawa sudah menunggu diujung jurang, namun dia tahu dia akan pulang dengan tangan kosong. Anak itu masih terlalu kecil; masa depannya panjang.
Kedua, dia berdarah sampai hampir mati. Pencabut nyawa menunggu lagi, kali ini didepan ruang operasi. Namun dia tahu, lagi-lagi sekarang ini bukan waktunya. Dan dia pergi, walau belum menyerah.
Ketiga, kali ini di kamarnya sendiri. Dengan tangan penuh pil berwarna putih yang siap ditelannya; namun pencabut nyawa itu juga tahu, nyali anak ini tak sebesar tekadnya. Dia pun pulang lagi dengan hampa.
"Tahukah kau, Nak, kau benar-benar menyebalkan.
sampai kapan aku harus bolak-balik menjemputmu, hanya untuk pulang dengan tangan kosong?
Keempat kalinya, aku tidak akan gagal."
Kali ini, sosok di cermin itu tersenyum. Dan dia menjawabnya.
"Kalau begitu, sampai jumpa lagi. Mungkin ini akan jadi perpisahan yang cukup lama, sampai kita bertemu lagi.
Mungkin kamu juga tidak akan mengenali aku lagi,
Karena seluruh rambutku akan memutih.
Kulitku akan keriput, badanku akan mengecil.
Aku juga akan mungkin lupa kalau sudah pernah bertemu denganmu, tiga kali sebelum itu."
Pencabut nyawa itu tersenyum. Sebelum menutup pintu, dia berbalik lagi, dan berkata,
"Aku tahu, kedatanganku akan selalu sia-sia,
Karena semesta terlalu keras kepala; terlalu cinta
Pada kamu yang berulang kali jatuh tapi tetap tegar hatinya.
Percayalah, aku juga tidak suka menjemputmu kalau belum waktunya, karena hanya dengan melihatmupun aku tahu,
Kamu diciptakan untuk hal yang luar biasa."

Aku meninju cermin itu hingga pecah. Tanganku berdarah, tapi aku kuat karenanya. Karena sosok luar biasa di cermin itu, sudah berpindah. Berpindah ke orang yang tangannya berdarah ini.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

People Like You.

I've been stripped down naked to the last bit of my skin;
But still haven't been the answer you're seeking.
If I could, then I would
Bleed out the answer out of my veins just to satisfy your lust
But then I guess you don't deserve people like me
People who stupidly bargaining life just to restrain themselves from being built up
People who believe too much, too often seeing at things
With the innocence of a child
Just to be throwing out at a pile of ugly truths, that
Life isn't always as innocent as it may appear at times
Maybe, I don't deserve people like you; who
Crashing into any kind of things that stand in your way of getting what you want
But sometimes, if not most of times,
The things you crash are people's lives; people who later
Have to struggle just to get through another day, trying to live their scarred lives
With hopes that no one would ever destroy them again
But, just like what you already knew
People like us are destined to be destroyed over and over again
To satisfy the lust, of
People like you

I wrote this with an anger; since I've been angry for days. At life, at ignorant people, at things people throwing at each other. At love that we may lose someday, if we keep on behaving this way.
I just hope for better days, and maybe this is the silver lining of people like me,
We don't know how to stop hoping.

Friday, April 14, 2017


Hair in your mouth
Feet touching feet

Oh you
And I
Safe from the world
Though the world will try

Oh, I'm afraid of the things in my brain
But we can stay here
And laugh away the fear

You create a rarity of my genuine smiles

So breathe
Breathe with me
Can you drink all my thoughts?
'Cause I can't stand them

Ooh, oh
O-oh, oh, oh

I've pinned each and every hope on you
I hope that you don't bleed with me

I'm afraid of the things in my brain
But we can stay here
And laugh away the fear

this is my fave masterpiece from Dodie Clark, or known as doddleoddle on Youtube. She's a genius; she often does song covers, and she also uploads lots of her originals. "Intertwined" is one of her originals that you can buy now on iTunes and Spotify, and like what I mentioned earlier, this is my most favorite song of hers.

contrary to the sweet vibes we get while we hear this song; this music video is rather 'dark' if I may say. but; I love it. I think this music video really got the whole meaning of the song. and boy I was right, Dodie explained the meaning behind the lyrics of this song and yes indeed, it's actually as dark as the music video. AND THAT'S WHY I LOVE IT EVEN MORE -sorry.

Dodie often says this in her video, how much she's been battling with herself for the past years. mental depression. the thing that most people will just laugh off and won't be considered as a big deal. I was one of those people; I laughed at my friend when she consumed an anti-depressan pills, but months later, turned out karma got me real bad because once I needed to consume them, too.

I once haven't eaten for three days; I was just in my room, crying-laughing-daydreaming-back to crying again. I once almost bleed my veins out of my left arm with the knife I just bought; once I almost jumped off a cliff. once I bought a tons of sleeping pills because turned out I was a coward and I wanted to die without feeling any pain.

that's the extreme people with mental depression can do. suicidal.

when I heard the lyrics, I can really fathom what Dodie tried to say through this song: companion. we all need companion; but people with mental depression not just need companion, they're yearning for one. however, the problem is, most of them are too afraid to talk. they don't wanna get "drama queen" "you're too much" "your problem isn't really a big deal, don't make such a big fuss out of them" -kind of responses. this was exactly what I did. I was just too afraid people would mock me for I wanted to end my life so badly just because some dumbass left me for another girl. but hey, they didn't know the whole story. they didn't feel the shoes I was in before.

yes, I'm craving for someone to be there for me, right now. like when the meaning of this song strikes me; I have no one to tell about it, that's why I poured it out on my blog. but I don't need someone to bleed with me. I want to meet him when I'm okay already. that's how I know, I can survive practically any kind of storm on my own.

eventhough now I have completely different mindset compared to what I had before, I still have a big concern for this particular issue. I don't know how to reach out to those people, or even to you; but let me tell you one thing: if you're battling with mental depression right now that you even had one thought to end yourself, I'm here. feel free to reach me through my email and I'd be there; whether you just want to be heard, or you want to be advised. you're not alone.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

May the stars align.

The hotel you're staying in is quite nice. It's got a lot of beautiful corners; to take pictures or to just be sat still, to observe the business around you and to whalow the air in.
"You're not saying goodbye to him?"

You've got your bags packed. But one thing's still left; the ending of your story. The main purpose of you telling him your sad poems. But as much as you want to stay behind, your guts are telling you to keep going and leave the rest of this to fate. As if.

"No, I'm not. The stars aren't aligned again, so maybe that was it. Maybe he should put his own ending to the story he heard."

You pull out the handle of your trunk, when your sight catches something that's out of the picture you usually see. Pink tullips so fresh that it's still got dews on it; and a cup of coffee above a notes. Some unfamiliar handwriting you catches a glimpse of; the writing of someone who was in a hurry. as if he didn't have any time left to write decently.

Just a simple sentence, tho.
"Can't wait to see you again, so I hope the stars would align."

You smile. You take that note and shove it inside your journal; and you sip that coffee until it's all gone. "Wait for me in the lobby, will you? I've got something to do."
You take that empty cup and you walk quickly to the front yard. The cafe is right in front of the hotel, but it's still closed at this hour. You sigh. You put that empty cup in the terrace's table; the one you sat in last night. You pull out your journal, carefully tear up a page in the middle. You're reaching for your pen and you start writing some sentences.
And then you leave.


The rain finally stopped. He reaches for his keys and opens the cafe; just then he sees that empty cup and the note. He approaches the table; he smiles so brightly when he sees whose handwriting is on that note. As his smile's disappearing while he's reading the words, one by one, his heart's racing.

I'm leaving today, but the end of my story can wait for you, if you like.
I'd be leaving at 20:45 this evening, by train.
Maybe the stars would align, and I'd meet you there?

This is the time he needs to finally decide; to just live like he does everyday or to race with the time, just to hear the end of that story.

Monday, April 10, 2017

Product Review: Polette Eyewear

About a month ago, Polette Indonesia was kind enough to send me a gift: they offered me a pair of gorgeous glasses in exchange of blog review and posts on my Instagram gallery. So, here we go: my honest opinion about the eyewear Polette sent me.

First, I'm gonna talk about the delivery service, so you won't be quite surprised since sometimes the model you ordered needs a bit of a time to arrive. The delivery itself took a quite long and complicated way. The packaging arrived in about a month after I got notified on an email that my order was complete. And turned out, Pos Indonesia didn't do a delivery for a package sent from abroad (in this case, the eyewear was sent from China). So, I had to come to Central Pos Indonesia to get the package by myself, and also I had to pay around 20k IDR for administration purpose. But that was okay by me.

I chose an eyewear called California View in the color pink, and when the package arrived, I squeaked like a seal. The box is uber cute! Totally worth the wait. Inside, you got a card, a cute printed fabric for glasses cleanup purpose, and of course, the glasses itself. And the vibes of the packaging is soo up to date, since we all know that tropical prints are really in trend right now.

To be honest, the size is quite small to my liking, since I'd usually prefer big-sized glasses. But turns out, it fits me really well. The quality of the glasses is really great, compared to its price! The handle is really solid, and the material is really good too. You can tell that this is an eyewear with good quality just by holding it. And the color is really cute, the pink matches my skin tone very well. I'm really into these kind of thin metal frames lately, and I really like this one I barely take it off. One more, tho: the shape is quite unique and irregular! I don't know the name of this shape; it's kinda like the heart shape but with no curve at the top.

I hope this honest review can really help you in choosing Polette as your eyewear! They also accept prescriptions so you don't need to go to another optician to have your eyewear fixed. I got mine in neutral, tho, because I wear eye contacts everyday.

So in conclusion, here are my pros and cons about Polette's California View.

  • Uber cute packaging
  • The material's quality is really great
  • Unique, irregular shape that makes them standout from any other eyewear. Be bold with your statement! :D

  • Long delivery; I guess this one has to do with the delivery courier (in this case, Pos Indonesia). I do really think they need to inform us at least when our package arrives, so that we don't need to check it out everyday.

I hope you enjoy my review. Good day!

Monday, March 27, 2017

crossed path.

And there she is, smiling. Holding her pieces altogether, at last. She knows this is for the best.
She knows your path and hers crossed for a reason. Nothing ever happened without reason. And this is hers: you came exactly when she thought she was incapable of love. She thought the world was incapable of love. And so were men. But you proved her wrong; no, the world wasn't as dark as you think it was.
In a way, without even realizing that, you helped her. She stumbled upon the path she's in now but she got back again, steadier than before. She's picking up the shattered pieces she ignored the night before; since she planned to go on with a hole in her chest. But this time she changed her mind; she's gonna bring those pieces. Because those pieces, no matter how badly broken they are, they're part of her. They're her lesson.
You don't know this; but thank you. Yes, you and her won't be a story; a story with happy ending, at least. Maybe this is the last bit of your crossed paths because you both have been broken badly, and choosing to keep crossing path would lead you to another brokenness. Maybe you both are playing this safe; it's okay. At least, she knows now.
She knows how to love again.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

Idiot -the good kind, tho.

She has it in her hand, a piece of you. She goes out of the door, humming. Holding you close to her heart. It's been a while since the weather feels this nice; it's really been a while. And there she is, smiling. Like an idiot. People are staring, but she just doesn't care. Everything else is a blur. Every other noises have gone silenced. It's just her, and a piece of you inside her arms.

She wants to bury her head inside the warmth of your embrace;
She wants to hear your deep, calming voice.
You made her lost few hours of sleep, without you're realizing
But she's fine with that. At least, she wasn't crying.

She was smiling.

She has it in her hand, a piece of you. Smells so brand new. She's ready to drown herself inside your poetic glances, she knows she's being adventureous but if that results in the idiotic smile she has right now -she doesn't mind, at all.

Friday, March 24, 2017

Bekas Luka.

Orang bilang, luka yang tidak kelihatanlah yang paling membekas. Yang tidak bisa disembuhkan oleh waktu. Bahkan oleh cinta yang baru sekalipun, mungkin hanya mampu memudarkan luka itu menjadi sebuah gambar tak berwarna yang tersimpan rapi didasar laci; hanya dilihat karena ketidaksengajaan, lalu ketika laci itu disurukkan masuk, lukanya tidak terasa lagi.

Kukira begitu.

Tapi luka ini ada, nyata. Aku melihatnya setiap pagi; seberapa kerasnya usahaku untuk tidak melihatnya, lukanya tetap ada disana. Mengejekku, seolah mengingatkanku akan kebodohanku dimasa lalu. Kebodohanku menyerahkan seutuhnya hidup dan cintaku untuk orang yang sama sekali salah. Orang yang pada akhirnya membuangku ke tempat sampah. Luka itu seolah pengingat, lihat, betapa naifnya dirimu. Betapa bodohnya.

Bagaimana rasanya menurutmu, punya luka yang kelihatan; luka yang tidak akan pernah hilang, luka yang akan kamu bawa sampai matipun bekasnya tetap ada, jadi matipun percuma. Kamu bisa memegangnya, menyentuhnya, dan saat itu juga lukamu yang tidak kelihatan ikut menyerangmu. Ikut berusaha membunuhmu. Luka yang akan ada entah itu di masa lalu, masa sekarang, maupun masa depanmu.

Entah sampai kapan; aku juga lelah melihatnya.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Berdamailah; dengan apapun.

Terkadang, saat kita lemah, Tuhan tidak mengirimkan pelukan. Yang Dia kirimkan malah orang dengan masalahnya dan membutuhkan kita. Membutuhkan kita untuk menguatkan; untuk memberikan berkat.
Bersyukurlah :)
Itu jauh lebih baik daripada sekadar pelukan. Jauh lebih baik daripada kamu yang dikuatkan. Karena kamu bermegah dalam kelemahanmu dan kuasaNya yang bekerja saat kamu memberkati orang lain dengan itu.

Kita bisa menguatkan karena kita bisa merasakan penderitaan orang lain. Kata yang memberkati bukan hanya kata yang sekadar terucap; tetapi kata-kata yang lahir dari empati. Mungkin kamu baru saja mencegah orang bunuh diri; siapa yang tahu?

Jangan pernah menolak orang yang membutuhkan penguatan dari kamu.

Dia berkata, "bisa melewatkan satu hari dengan baik-baik saja adalah sebuah kemewahan buatku." dan aku menangis. Bukan karena kata-katanya sedih, tetapi karena aku tahu rasanya. Karena aku juga disana.

Ketika aku mengira aku sudah baik-baik saja, lalu Dia mengujinya dengan cara menumpahkan alkohol di sekujur tubuhku untuk mencari tahu apa aku memang sudah benar-benar sembuh.
Dan ternyata masih banyak bagian yang luka.

Begitulah caraNya. Sakit. Tapi kita tahu. Dan Dia tahu. Tidak sekadar tahu saja, Dia sembuhkan.

Kamu mungkin pernah berpikir ingin mati. Dan aku tidak akan mencemoohmu; percayalah, aku tahu rasanya. Aku tahu seberapa berat usaha untuk melawan keinginan mengambil sebuah pisau dan menorehkannya di pergelangan tangan; atau bahkan menghunuskannya langsung tepat di jantung. Betapa berat menahan dirimu ketika melihat seutas tali; atau ketika berada di tempat tinggi; atau ketika berada di jalan raya, dan keinginan untuk menabrakkan dirimu muncul begitu saja.
Atau, ketika kamu seorang pengecut dan ingin mati, usahamu adalah membeli berlusin-lusin obat tidur dan ingin pergi tanpa rasa sakit.

Aku tidak akan mengejekmu; aku ingin memelukmu dan menangis, dan mengatakan, aku tahu rasanya. Bahkan dadaku sekarang sakit dan sesak untukmu, karena aku tahu rasanya. Kamu tidak sendiri.

Kalau sampai sekarang kamu belum mati, semesta punya akhir yang lebih baik untukmu. Percayalah.

Mati-ku kutumpahkan dalam doa dan tulisan. Dalam air mata dan kesesakan. Sudah lama rasanya tidak bernafas dengan lega. Tapi buktinya sekarang aku masih ada; masih bisa tersenyum, masih bisa menulis, masih bisa menguatkan orang lain. Mungkin orang tidak akan pernah tahu, seberat apa hidupku sampai aku ingin mati. Tapi biarkan saja mereka berspekulasi. Kalau mereka tahu, mereka akan mengerti. Memang orang yang tidak tahu, akan jauh lebih mudah mencemooh. Jadi, sabarlah.

Tujuanku sekarang sudah bukan bahagia.
Tujuanku juga tidak sesederhana baik-baik saja.

Aku ingin berdamai; dengan apapun.
Hidupku, masa laluku, dosa-dosaku.
Orang yang menyakitiku; orang yang "membunuhku". Ingatanku, kekasih barunya.
Aku ingin berdamai dengan rasa sakit itu. Aku memaafkannya, terlepas usahanya setiap hari untuk membunuhku.

Karena aku tahu, rasa sakit itu tidak akan pernah hilang. Dia akan tetap ada disana; mengintaiku. Menunggu saat terlemahku sebelum akhirnya dia bisa mengambil nyawaku.

Tapi aku bisa berteman dengannya; dan tidak lagi memberinya kekuatan untuk membunuhku.

Karena aku akan bahagia, dan aku akan terluka. Tetapi selama aku berdamai,
--aku ada.

Monday, March 20, 2017


Once again, you found yourself in an unfamiliar place. New faces, new cafe, new taste of coffee. But this time, you know you're not lost.

You sit alone in the terrace, sipping warm coffee. Your journal is opened in front of you, all blank pages, waiting to be written on. You smile out of nowhere, your hand reach out for pen and you start writing. This place's ambience is great; you sit under a roof of leaves and flowers and it feels as tough they give you a protection, from the sun's heat and the rain's coldness. And a nice breeze in between.
Just then; a deep voice is filling the air you left silence before. Usually, you would ignore these kind of voices. But again new places always bring new feeling towards a lot of things, including voices.

"You're too beautiful to be sad alone."

You look up and see a new face. But this time, it feels familiar. So you smile. "Why so? I'm not allowed to be sad?"

He returns your smile with a curve, which is slightly better than yours. "No, I said that you shouldn't be sad alone. May I join you? I bring coffee for an offering," just then you realized he has a cup of coffee in his hands.

"Be my guest, then. Offering accepted."

He grins; as he puts that cup of coffee in front of you, he sees your writing. "So you write."

"Yes; that way I won't commit suicide."

He raises one of his eyebrow. "Why so? Life's got you broken badly?"

"Not just broken, I think. It's better being broken; even shapeless and used bottles are still wanted by some. But the lost kind; not everyone bothers to go looking for them."

"So you're lost."
"Oh, the story's gonna take a whole day to tell."
"I've got a whole day."

You're stuck in his gaze. Deep, warm, offers honesty rather than lust. At first you think you're not gonna let yourself get hooked again, but as weak as you are, you choose to trust your instict. To let yourself.

You close your journal and move your glance to the empty air in front of you. Everything becomes a blur and you're ready to have your story told. The funny thing is, this stranger has so much power to make your self sinks in his curiosity.

"Life's got everyone broken but with different patterns. Some are left like broken glasses and it's still beautiful, somehow. Some are restored. But some are just demolished into the first form before creation; dusts.
I was in the third state for quite a long time.
Have you ever met someone who's good at wearing her face? She's smiling like nothing happened; but deep inside she wants to end her life so badly. She just wants every pains to come to an end as quickly as possible; and there's no other choice.
It's as tough you're in the edge of a dark, deep forest. You have no choice but to move forward, because you've burned the bridges behind you with a hope that the fire would light your way. But no; the fire just simply a reminder that there are people who just don't want you in their lives. A solid proof. It just makes the forest even darker.
And you're too shameful to pray; to ask for a help from above. You've been neglecting Them for too long, and this is your reward, or so you thought.
But They full of love. They love lost people because They are able to save them. Sometimes They're as kind as shredding densed tree's leaves above you to send some lights;
To help you see your path.

And that light, for me, was to write.

I write so I don't commit suicide."

He's been quiet the whole time you talked. He gazed into the depth of your words; one by one he listened very carefully. He feels something about your sadness; the beautiful kind of sad. As if you're able to bring him into your stories, even he feels the water comes down from the dense leaves to the nape of your head.

"You're not from here, are you?" he asks.
"No. I'll be leaving tomorrow."

So that's one thing about a meeting; you've got to be prepared to say goodbye. He feels tight on his throat; he doesn't want you to leave as much as he wants to know the next part of your story. He clears his throat as he gathers the courage to ask you one thing, which is:
"Would I be seeing you again?"

You know the story doesn't end here.

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Back again.

Jogja, March 18, 2017.
here, I'm back again, alone this time. In a city full of memories but the funny thing was I didn't reminisce a thing.
just a sign, maybe, that I've made peace with my past. With whatever happened the morning before I went here; the name I didn't want to see or hear or read again suddenly came up out of nowhere, and I was quite shaken.
but that's just another way of universe telling me,
it's about time, dee.
so here I am. I came in peace, and to make peace with my past, Jogja. So I won't feel my lungs got suffocated again.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Menulislah, dan jangan bunuh diri.

People are so full of judgement these days. Maybe I was, too. But once we've been places we've never been before, it gives us things to think about. Things we used to hate; things we used to despise; things we used to mock about, once we've got through it, our minds were cleared. We're able to see it from different perspective. And for me, this time it'd be about suicide.
I used to be a very optimistic person. I saw everything from the bright side and usually just ignored the bad. Being suicidal had never crossed my mind, no matter how broken I was. But turned out the brokenness I felt in my past was nothing compared to this new brokenness.
Never thought before, that I'd get hurt so bad I just wanted to die, literally.
Everytime the memories strike, the hurts come like hurricane inside my chest. I couldn't bear it. I couldn't bear the fact that someone was able to hurt others until that other people ever had a thought to die. No. A person couldn't be that mean. But as hurt as it got, I had to learn that the hard way, yes, a person like that does exist in this world. A person who's willing to hurt others so badly for their own good.
I've been trying to end my life so many times, before this. I have tried to go to a rooftop of an apartment before; but I didn't have enough courage to do that. I was still afraid of the pain. I imagined myself to be involved in an accident; but that didn't happen. And the last and safest thing I could ever think about was sleeping pills. So I bought tons of it. But somehow, I was afraid, too. What comes after this? What comes after I end my life? What if I don't find peace even after I die? Maybe my insanity didn't come as strong as my concious mind. And maybe, the prayers of people around me are way stronger than my will to die.
Until I found that phrase, somewhere I forgot.
dan jangan bunuh diri."
So here I am. Writing, almost everyday. Almost about everything. Poems, silly heart-pouring sessions, songs, everything.
And maybe that's one way to be slowly healed.

Most of the time, everytime we read a news about a person committed suicide, we would have this reaction: what the hell were they thinking about? Are they stupid? And so on.
But no. It's more than just a stupidity. It's more.
Mental depression is not something you can joke about. It's an illness. I once laughed and mocked my friend because she was taking an anti-depressan pills; but now I understand that she was just trying to save herself. To survive. And I laughed at her effort to stay alive; what a foolish being I was.
Because I've been through that phase on my own, I learned that we have to be kind, always. No exception. Everyone deserves our kindness, no matter how badly they've hurt us. Be the light to lighten up this dark, dark world. That's my reminder, in these unkind days. To be kind. Because maybe out there, the person you talk to is going through a difficult time. She even might have tried to end her life the night before. Your words could save her life, or could bring her down. So be kind with your words... Speak blessings. Forgive. And pray.
Suicide isn't something we can joke about. People whoever thought about commiting suicide, are people who need our kindness the most.

Monday, March 6, 2017

my window of inspiration.

There's no spesific things that inspire me; to me, you can find inspiration basically anywhere as long as you open up to see more, to know more. Even the sound of tires screeching can be a source of inspiration to a composer. But of course, when the tap of inspiration of mine is kinda stuck, there are some things or people that I can count on. And here, is the list.

Of course, music comes first for me. When I took some phsycological test to find out our talents, I got highest score for musical which is kinda weird to me because I'd never make a career out of it (Heaven knows, tho). But talents are not just about careers and earning money, but it's about doing what you love and what you're really passionate about. Sometimes I wrote songs, but always feel inadequate enough to call those as songs, let alone publishing it. But never let fear stops you from doing things you love.
Music speaks in a way we could never really understand. Even when you can't understand the lyrics, music still has something magical in carrying your soul to another dimension. When I want to write sad things, I listen to indie musics; you can find thousands of great indie songs on Youtube. My fave will always be The Narrative's Eyes Closed. When I feel like dancing, I listen to radio songs; I've been listening to Yellow Claw and BigBang nonstop these days. And when I want to just chill, writing things, doing my thesis or bullet journals, I'd just listen to some 60s song. I had REM - Losing My Religion and Beach House - Hearts of Chamber on repeat now. Before I go to sleep, I'd play a playlist consists of Hillsong's musics, and my faves as per now is Even When It Hurts.

Oh yes, watching movies can give you some inspirations, of course. I don't think this part needs further explanation. so I'd just mention my faves: La La Land (of course, duh), Dr. Strange (funny how some fantasy action movie can give so much inspiration to me, gonna write on a separate post about this movie), The Vow and 500 days of Summer.

Public Figure.
Youtube and Instagram are my greatest escapes (this is what I've been trying to manage with that seven days digital detox). I subscribed and followed people that can give sources of inspiration to me. On Instagram, my faves are Claradevi (@lucedaleco). She's like, my muse. Maybe if you compare her instagram feeds to mine (who am I tho lol) you'd get the same mood because yes, she's been inspiring me for too long now. She's the one who makes me feel it's okay to dress like my grandma and being called a grandma, even. She inspires me with her words, her writings, her views on things. But as much as she inspired me, I always try to add my own signature. That's what we do when we have a muse; their works are inspiring us; but as much as we love theirs, we would never copy their work. The other person is Gianni Fajri, I love her vibes.
On Youtube, I'm the member of notification squad of these people: Kittendust, Agung Hapsah, Jenn Im and Dodie Clark. They have different contents but they're freakingly inspiring! Kittendust taught me a lot about having different perspectives and how to have a sense of purpose in this life. Agung Hapsah is the golden boy; I adore smart men and he's one of those. Jenn Im, does this need any explanation? I don't think so. and Dodie Clark, for her amazing originals. She put her soul in every songs she wrote and she's just the cutest thing ever. (p.s you can click on each of their names to see their amazing work).

People Around.
I love to spare my time to hang out with people I love and listen to their stories. Most of the times, their stories inspire me. Sometimes it inspires me to make poems about encouraging those who are just as lost as I am; or maybe giving them some advices and then those advices got me thinking like hey this applies to me too. And thank God for giving me sister I never had, who I met back then in high school. We're growing up together, and now closer than ever because both of us are going through the same phase of finding out what's the exact purpose of our existence.

Bible's Scripture
Yes, of course. It's God's words Himself, it's almost impossible not to be inspired everytime I read them. And as for today, I have this spesific verse appeared inside my head: 2 Corinthians 10:5. "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."

I know, this list is very basic, but sometimes we're too focused on what's underrated that we forget to be back to basic things and find it there. I hope my list can also be an inspiration to you, to remind you not to take things too complicated; because as easy as it sounds, inspirations are everywhere. This list is just the simple things we often forget, but we can count on everytime we're being too complicated with our sources of inspiration.

God Bless!

Saturday, March 4, 2017

the beauty of things.

We were on the road, like always. I feel like almost half of our lives are spent on the road. I was the one who drove because you got your left hand broken from playing basketball. The funny thing was, I broke my leg too that week. Fortunately it's my left ankle and it's just got twisted, otherwise we would just stay at home because neither of us can drive.

"Are you sleepy, babe?" you asked. I smiled and touched your right hand. "No, dear. Why asked?"
"Just feel bad here because you're driving and I'm sitting here like an idiot, staring at that cheek I want to kiss so badly."
I laughed. "First, I love driving so I'm okay. Second, you're an idiot for saying that you're an idiot and I love you for that. Third, go ahead."
Now it's your turn to laugh. At that time, some old 60s songs are played. "I think I'm in love with a girl who's literally born in the wrong era."
He's right about that one fact. "But you admit that these songs are great."
"Who said they're not? Let me finish my sentence. And I even love you more because your taste is as old as my grandma."
"I'll take that as a compliment, thank you."
You laughed again. "Hey, what's this song called?"
"Yesterday. The Beatles."

We went silence. We listened to the song, to the lyrics, and suddenly a thought appeared.
"Human's as fickle as f*ck," I said.
"One day you say you love her, but tomorrow could be different. You could wake up next to someone you love so deeply last night, but the morning after you're just wondering who the hell is she."
"Is this a 500 days of summer references?"
I smiled. "Kind of."
"Yeah, that's why being committed takes a lot of courage and not all men can do that. Some are just as coward as cows and you've gotta get used to that fact. But I can assure you, I'm no cow."
"I know you're not."
"What are you trying to say, though?"
"Human are fickle. But let's see the beauty of it. If the one who wrote these lyrics didn't undergone such a painful tragedy, there wouldn't be any song called Yesterday.
The ability of the songwriter, to see the beauty of being broken. The beauty of human's fickleness. Instead of drowing himself in the pool of self-pity, he chose to write a song based on his tragedy; they beauty of it. And it became world's hit song. Who ever thought of that? Who knows?
Just by looking at the beauty of things, a masterpiece is made."
You gave me the most incredible smile a person could ever give. "It's a bit like you, actually."
"That's what makes me fall in love with you at the first place. Your ability to see the beauty of things. You're badly broken, can barely survive, but you made it. Instead of drowning yourself in the pool of hatred, you chose to rise. To forgive, and to let go. And to see the beauty of your tragedy. You wrote poems, songs, you create a picture that speaks a lot about you brokenness; but in a beautiful, yet sad, way. You see through what most people cannot see.
The beauty of things."

Most of the time, we overlook a lot of things. We missed a lot of beauty because we're too focused on ourselves. Our hurts, our pains, our wounds. We're busy to hide our scars instead of wearing them proudly. Instead of showing them in a way people can finally understand, what makes you so strong after all this time.
Even in the darkest of times, we will rise again. It's a truth, but it also depends on how you see your life after tragedy happened. If you chose to bury yourself with hatred; believe me, you will never win.
Set your mind free. Have a mind that overlook the flaws and try to see the beauty of things. Who knows, by having that perspective, you could create a masterpiece like John Lennon and Paul McCartney. They look at the beauty of being left by people they love the most; and that's how Yesterday is composed. And indeed, it's a masterpiece.

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Mi Vida.


Finally, I'm back in the cyber space again.
I've been doing a social-media detox for 7 days, and I can honestly say, it was a great decision. I left my social medias (instagram, twitter, facebook and blog) for just seven days but I already learned so much about life. Maybe later when I get busier I'd plan to do a month digital detox, but for now a week or two are enough, I think. I'm gonna post another writing about the benefits of doing digital detox, but in this post I just wanted to say hi. :D

A lot of things happened in the past seven days; and as easy as it's said, without posting those moments on social media, I feel fine, more than fine. I enjoy my life more, the tap of inspiration opened really wide and I did a lot of work. My thoughts were becoming way more positive, and I pretty much enjoyed life outside my phone. Well, my life isn't that interesting right now but even that became quite enjoyable for me. I was able to look for another escape when I was bored; I looked for another sources of inspirations when I lacked out any. I found inspirations from the simplest things: rain, sounds, sky. Three songs and a looot of writings coming up; get ready! :))

The most interesting and the only painful thing of the week was: I broke my leg. Haha! It was the stupidest thing ever; fell off of stairs and have your ankle twisted. It got swollen as big as tennis ball and I still drove my mom back and forth for two days and even did some photo hunting with my sister. Girl power. It's better now, but I still walk slower than my grandma. It was my left foot that got twisted, and now my right foot's starting to feel burdened for having to do two feet jobs for the last three days. But, yeah. There's always a first time for everything, and this is for me way more interesting rather than painful.

I've been having a #girlcrush for Dodie Clark on Youtube. She's the cutest thing ever! And incredibly gifted. Check her out; currently loving her Intertwined EP album on Spotify and my faves are "Sick of Losing Soulmates" and "Intertwined".

I CANNOT WRITE POEMS AT ALL. WHY. I wanted to write something really sad and painful to read but oh maybe I've passed that phase already. But it's quite depressing tho, because my ability to write is based on the events I'm going through. Sigh.

Oh, and the most important thing is this: it's still raining. Yeah, fickle rain in the middle of incoming summer. But the water feels fine; so it's good I guess. And yeah it's part of the lyrics! Can't wait to let you know what I've been working on.

And the speed God's giving me is quite incredible. I'm grateful each and single day.


Sunday, February 12, 2017

what is the purpose of your existence? (2)

I so love this question. The kind of question we all need to ask ourselves, every single day.

I hate routines. A scheduled kind of a day, and repeated everyday. Wake up-go to work-home-sleep. Mall hopping and doing nothing in between -meaning weekends. I know, right now I don't have that kind of routines yet but I guess if I'm following the path I'm gonna have that routines pretty much asap. But; I hate that. I hate working for corporates, to be honest. I want an unpredictable life. Like, waking up without knowing what to do today, and I end up in a quiet place in Batu, recharging my soul.

I used to say no to this kind of event, but yesterday, I didn't know why I said yes. Maybe I'm just too bored with my boring life and need a little excitement (please enlighten me on that excitement part) so I just sort of went with it. But oh boy was I wrong. This wasn't just an excitement. This was the answer to that question I've been asking myself, everyday.

I'm made to be the upper hand.

I find the joy in giving. Don't be so narrow-minded with the giving part, because it's not always about money. You can give what you already have. For a fact, I had a lot of knowledges, in terms like beauty, fashion, public speaking, writing, etc. I've been going through so many events and classes and reading so many books, that's where I got my knowledges. And seeing all the youths I met yesterday, so pure, enthusiastic yet naive, I wanted to teach them so bad. Teach them how cruel the world really is and how to survive it. I didn't say that I'm an expert on that field, but what I've been going through is one of a kind. I told them; how bad these unfortunate events got into me. How I need to put fake happiness on my face every Sunday when I met them, while inside my head I was screaming I want to die. How dark this valley was, and how deep I've fallen. I want to teach them how to finally get up and burn the bridges and get away from that valley.

It's all by His grace.

I want to give my everything, in this giving thing. I want to teach them everything I know, I want to help them to understand how badly broken I was and how I'm restored. How I got up and how I've been given a new set of heart. How to keep loving even when you don't feel like you're loved at all. How to keep on having faith even when the world breaks you down. How to stay in the track we're supposed to be;

And how obsessed He is about us.

He didn't and doesn't let me go, at all. He slammed all the doors that connecting me to leaving Him. Like, literally slamming those doors in front of my face. and He showed me the door I actually have to pass from the very start; the door that leads me to this very place. It almost feels like He's saying to me, "This is what I've made you for."

I want to tell them all that while I still got a little time left. Before I finally soar my wings and fly to the places where I lay my dreams and hopes. Most of all; I want to be there for them, just to replace these past four years in which I totally ignored them. The best thing is this, they've missed me a lot and they accept me.

And I'd be forever grateful, for that. :)