Sunday, February 12, 2017

what is the purpose of your existence? (2)

I so love this question. The kind of question we all need to ask ourselves, every single day.

I hate routines. A scheduled kind of a day, and repeated everyday. Wake up-go to work-home-sleep. Mall hopping and doing nothing in between -meaning weekends. I know, right now I don't have that kind of routines yet but I guess if I'm following the path I'm gonna have that routines pretty much asap. But; I hate that. I hate working for corporates, to be honest. I want an unpredictable life. Like, waking up without knowing what to do today, and I end up in a quiet place in Batu, recharging my soul.

I used to say no to this kind of event, but yesterday, I didn't know why I said yes. Maybe I'm just too bored with my boring life and need a little excitement (please enlighten me on that excitement part) so I just sort of went with it. But oh boy was I wrong. This wasn't just an excitement. This was the answer to that question I've been asking myself, everyday.

I'm made to be the upper hand.

I find the joy in giving. Don't be so narrow-minded with the giving part, because it's not always about money. You can give what you already have. For a fact, I had a lot of knowledges, in terms like beauty, fashion, public speaking, writing, etc. I've been going through so many events and classes and reading so many books, that's where I got my knowledges. And seeing all the youths I met yesterday, so pure, enthusiastic yet naive, I wanted to teach them so bad. Teach them how cruel the world really is and how to survive it. I didn't say that I'm an expert on that field, but what I've been going through is one of a kind. I told them; how bad these unfortunate events got into me. How I need to put fake happiness on my face every Sunday when I met them, while inside my head I was screaming I want to die. How dark this valley was, and how deep I've fallen. I want to teach them how to finally get up and burn the bridges and get away from that valley.

It's all by His grace.

I want to give my everything, in this giving thing. I want to teach them everything I know, I want to help them to understand how badly broken I was and how I'm restored. How I got up and how I've been given a new set of heart. How to keep loving even when you don't feel like you're loved at all. How to keep on having faith even when the world breaks you down. How to stay in the track we're supposed to be;

And how obsessed He is about us.

He didn't and doesn't let me go, at all. He slammed all the doors that connecting me to leaving Him. Like, literally slamming those doors in front of my face. and He showed me the door I actually have to pass from the very start; the door that leads me to this very place. It almost feels like He's saying to me, "This is what I've made you for."

I want to tell them all that while I still got a little time left. Before I finally soar my wings and fly to the places where I lay my dreams and hopes. Most of all; I want to be there for them, just to replace these past four years in which I totally ignored them. The best thing is this, they've missed me a lot and they accept me.

And I'd be forever grateful, for that. :)

Friday, February 10, 2017

Great things for those who wait.

"If God makes you wait, be prepared to receive something greater than you ever wished for."

We hear that a lot. But it's human nature to ignore things; because we tend to believe things we can touch, things we can see. That's why, experiences are the best teachers, because once we experience something, the moral of the story will stick with us till the end. Yes, you can learn from your surroundings. But having some events as your own experiences can really teach you something.

Let me tell you, I'm the worst at waiting things to happen. I'm an impatient person. Once I want something, I will do anything, if not everything, to get it. To make it happen. To have it. Sometimes, I cross the lines; that's when my ambitious self kicks in, and I need to control myself.

And this character of mine, got me looking back at some events, almost 4 years ago.

I came from a modest family. We're not lacking anything, however, we're also not burried in money. Sometimes, we can't afford things we want, but God always fulfills us with things we need. And one day, I needed a new phone. My old phone was Sony Ericsson and it was a good one, but I wanted an android one (android just became popular at that time) and SE just came out with the first model ever. And my dad bought one for my birthday.

But, the thing was, technology evolved faster than we thought. My new android phone became ancient just within one or two year. It couldn't be upgraded to the latest updates from Google, and a lot of apps couldn't be installed. I needed another new phone, again. But my family went through a difficult time and couldn't afford a brand new phone, so I was like, okay, I'd wait.

I thought when the time came, when God finally blessed me with another phone it'd be another android phone, because the most I could afford was a phone around 2-3 million rupiahs. So I was browsing for the phone I wanted and I could afford, while waiting.

And then, just then, when I least expected it, God blessed me. Not with an ordinary android phone, no. But an iPhone. Something I could never afford my entire life. and I got it for free; I won a writing competition held by Sunsilk and I was judged by Dee Lestari and Alanda Kariza. I came 5th place and I got an iPad, in which later I exchanged with an iPhone. It costed 8,5 mil rupiahs at that time.

That's when I learned something. God made me wait; I couldn't have the phone I wanted exactly at my timing. He had His own timing; and it was wonderful. It was way moooooore than what I expected.

That's when I proved that saying I wrote on the very first line of this post, to be true. It's true. As long as you keep on having faith on Him, that nothing is ever unimportant for Him. Everything about you, matters for Him too. That's why you don't need to worry to place your entire life in His hands.

And I'm more than grateful, to have such a wonderful Father.

Thursday, February 9, 2017

From where I stand.

From where I stand, I see the world is changing
The glistening sky turns white, the green land gets tanned,
And people start forgetting
What matters and what doesn't

We all take things for granted; until we realize we're here just for a moment
All the things we achieved will be eventually abandoned
Us, mortal beings, possess no absolute power
Yet we act like the universe is something we can conquer.

From where I stand, I'd remember:
To do good deeds like I'd be gone by tomorrow,
And to have faith like I'd live forever
One said to keep our feet on the ground, while our head's high in the clouds;
As a reminder, we're merely weak beings
Seeking for strengths, and things to believe in.

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Silver lining.

Silver lining. (n)
A hopeful or comforting prospect in the midst of difficulty.
[From the proverb "Every cloud has a silver lining".]

No one wants to stay in the darkness, forever.
Everyone searches for rays of sunlight; everyone wants a day full of sunshine and moonlight.
But when the thunder strikes, when the storms come, what would you do?
Some will run, and hide.
Some will be angry; resentful
While some stays faithful and choose to dance. Serenades by the thunder, in the middle of the storm.

Be grateful when life breaks you down;
Sometimes it'd be a lot better than to be hit by that bullet.
You're saved now.

Someday, you will look back, at this very place,
and you'd be grateful
for every hurt, every wounds, every scars,
thank God you dodged that bullet; thank God for He has helped you to cut out poisonous people from your fruitful life.
thank God that He has your back, after all this time.

stay on His path,
and you'll be more than fine.

Tuesday, February 7, 2017


I was a dreamer; and I'm glad I still am. Eventhough I've been off of my track for almost 5 years; but in the end I'm back and I'm grateful for that.

We all have been there: we were willing to lose our identity for someone else. In the name of love. We're willing to change a lot about ourselves, and in the end of the day we'd look into the mirror and we asked that reflection we saw: who are you?

I used to be a big dreamer; I was a total kid at heart. I imagined things, I loved fairytale, I believed in people, and I had the kind of optimism that often a lot questioned by the people around me. But then, I met someone. Someone I thought would be a part of my future days, but turned out as a history. Someone I loved so much that I was willing to change anything about myself, to give up time so I could be with him longer, to exchange literally anyone with him. I've been off of my track for so long I no longer recognize who I actually was.

And slow but sure, I realized; I changed.

I didn't have the spark I used to have, I became a bitter, pesimist (or I would call realistic at that time) and ignorant. Everything was about him that I practically replaced anyone, even God, with him. I changed. I didn't have a lot of friends left, I parted ways with my sister (not sister by blood, tho, but she's as good as). I sacrificed a lot, if not everything. But people said our relationship was a goal, because it looked good. And yes it did look good, it was good as well. But why settle for good?

And in the end, he dumped me and he found my replacement in seconds. Just like that. The so-called good relationship faded away like smokes.

My whole world collapsed; I can't even describe it. The evil thought creeped in and I almost gave in. But you know what? I'm still as lucky as ever; because people I used to edge out of my life, they STAY. They didn't go anywhere. As fast as my world got collapsed they were there to catch me. They helped me to get up; to be back on the right track. It hurts to remember how much I wounded them back then; by ignoring them. While they could only watch me went outside my track, but they didn't leave. And they're there when I need them. They stay the way they were; their love for me, stay the same.

Long story short, now I'm here. Still a long way to go from fully healed but I'm much better now; thanks to those who had been staying just for me.

And the most beautiful things in the midst of all this storm, is this: I found myself. The old me, the lost me, she didn't go anywhere. She stayed there, waiting for me to find her again. I gained my old spark, if not brighter; The kid inside my heart, she stays there. And she's still as imaginative as ever.

Sometimes, stay changes everything. Even when you see people you love leaving you, you see the world is changing from where you stand, just stay, for a little while. Sometimes, universe is kind enough to tell you, what you should do next. Stay and rest a little bit longer to find out the answer. And for me, walking forward is always the best answer. Everything that becomes a history to you, is meant to stay behind you.

Those who chose to stay for me, changed me into a better person. And I can't thank them enough for that, I can only do the exact same things: I will stay for them, too.

Sunday, February 5, 2017

It's a cliché, but.. love yourself.

Accepting things doesn't mean you should do nothing about something.

I go such a long way on embracing myself just as what I am. I used to hate my self image; my thin eyebrows, my wide face, my rough hair, my weight, and the list goes on.. I did a lot of things to cover up those flaws, because I hated myself for not born perfect. Like those girls who have perfect hair, perfect skin, perfect life..

But now I'm asking myself, what's perfect? We never know what other people are going through. And just like that old saying, nobody's perfect. And also, perfect is boring, bish.

But now, I feel so much different about myself. I love me. For whatever shits I am. I accept my thin eyebrows, my sensitive skin, my wide face.. But accepting, doesn't mean that I do nothing about it. I have quite a sensitive skin which easily gets hurt and once I have a scar it takes forever to heal or even fades. Should I do nothing about it? Of course no. I accept my skin condition, but I do something, by taking a good care of it. I draw my eyebrow so it'll appear a bit thicker, but I'm okay when I'm out without drawing eyebrows.

Love yourself for what you are; but don't just sit still. Take a good care of your skin, your hair, your appearance, because believe me world is still as shallow as ever and people judge from the outside. I'm not saying that outer appearance is way more important than your personality, but taking a good care of your "packaging" will help you to go through this life a lot easier. It's just like a bait; that's why it should be paired up with good, if not great, personality as well.

After all, in this world, we're merely smokes, fades away in seconds. We leave traces that will be forgotten in decades. So nothing matters; but at the same time, everything matters. That's why we should leave something good at least, and that can be started with good first impression. Be the 'perfect' you, in your own terms. But most important thing of all, love yourself first.

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Kindness costs you 0$.

Why do we have to be kind?
One day, I asked that question, to myself. Often we ask ourselves and if we're lucky enough, there'd be some kind of answer inside our heart. Little voice that often annoys us because most of the times it's right.
The answer is, because we don't know what other people are going through.

I'll tell ya, social media is toxic. It makes us easier to judge other people. Oh, this person's life is fuckin' perfect, she's gorgeous, rich, kind, has a gorgeous fiance, and so on, and so on. Somehow, it makes us feel bad about ourselves; because we don't have the so-called happy and perfect lives like what those people have. What we don't realize; they wanted that. Of course people won't post it when they're fighting with their spouses. Or when they're having a breakdown. Social medias are created to share happy moments, after all.

Don't you ever wonder, the person you just met, what are they're going through?
I've been there. I met my friends, acted like I was all okay, while inside my heart I was speaking to myself, how much I wanted to end my life that day.

I speak my feelings and my thoughts easily, but when it comes to deep, dark secrets, I can pretend. We all can do that.

I've been there. That's what makes me realize why I should be kind to others. We can talk normally to someone who actually wants to commit suicide the night before, and we don't know that! Can you imagine, if we're being mean, judgemental, to those kind of people?

Sometimes, we don't realize, by being kind to others, we can actually help those people. Like what I wrote in my post before, some careless advice I said to my friend can really changed his life.

Be kind; it costs you 0$. Be kind, always, even when people are mean to you. Even when people hurt you. Even when people leave you, when they make you feel like you're nothing; be kind, especially then. Be kind especially for those kind of people. Pray for them, if you're able to. Have a heart that doesn't easily get hurt. I know, even I can't do that, but I'm trying to. Who says that being kind doesn't hurt? It hurts like hell. But don't consider this for short term only; do everything for the long haul.

Because you reap what you sow. So, sow kindness.