Monday, July 31, 2017

Feelings: turned off.

That smile.
And his voice. In my ears. His laugh. Especially when he's laughing because of me.
Echoes in my mind, almost every single second in a day. And do you think I'm happy about that? No, I'm not. It's a torture for me.

I know he belongs to somebody else but I can't help feeling that he's the one for me. Is this wrong, I don't know. My feeling's getting in the way of me trying to find out which one is right and which one isn't. I can't seek for my conscience since it's been buried deep the day I realized I fell in love with this amazing guy.

Do you think I'm praying for him so that we can be together? No.

Everyday I ask God to keep him away from me. Everyday I ask Him to kill these feelings I have; I commit that I don't want to hurt anybody and even if there has to be someone to be hurt that would be me.

And in the end, yes it is. Me.

In the end, I think God's starting to hear my prayer and-
He's starting to drift away.

I know I have to be prepared for this but to be honest I'm not. I won't be.
One amazing guy and I know I'd never be a choice.

It's okay, tho.

I (didn't) give everything I have.

I'm looking back to that one exact moment, when
I thought I lost everything that I had.
I'm trying to find the fact that he took everything away from me, but,
I find myself whole, instead.

In the end, I know. I didn't give everything I had. I'm still whole and I'm not lost. I still have so much more to give because he didn't take anything;
Just because I didn't give him everything.

I'm so much more than what he knew.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

The Sun

My heart aches the whole day, I don't know
Maybe because I keep on staring at the sun that blinds my eyes
Touching, and get burned
Waiting, and have nothing in return
I know, I shouldn't be
Falling for the one that can't see me
But I can't handle that shine; I can't resist even the risks of falling for
The sun
That I cannot have
I'd get burned; I'd be blind, I don't mind
That scar will forever reminds me of you;
And in the darkness I will always see you.

Lost stars

I had this strange dreams, the other day.
I was in another galaxy; watching the earth from afar.
The blue, mesmerizing place I used to call home.
But from where I stood, I saw the world is changing.
The glistening sky turned white,
And people started to forget
What was the purpose of their existence.
Those were lost stars
Abandoned from the constellation through their own will
Lost stars, never found their way back home
And here my heart ached like hell, knowing thay they had no idea
How amazing it feels, to be loved by the Universe.

today, I pray for them
ㅡto be found;
to find a way back to the constellation where they belong,
ㅡand to spark like how they're suppose to.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

About him.

So, sky, haven't I told you about him?
Maybe this is the thousandth times I'd tell you about this amazing person, but I just can't stop, since everyday I'm discovering him more and more and
Falling for him, more and more.
Let me tell you about his sweet sound, sings me to sleep every night.
The scent his body makes everytime our skins touch;
And that cheeky smile he gives me when I'm pouting.
The way he reads my mind through my eyes, just because he knows me that much
And he knows that my eyes don't lie.
Man.. There's so much about him that I still don't know about, but I've already fallen so deep.
The constellation shuts still, tho.
Would you crack universe open, just so I can fly to the constellation he belongs in?

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

I'm in love.

The Universe is being really kind, these days.
Perhaps they're tired of seeing my tears and myself at the corners, trying to gather all the pieces together.
Or maybe it's just me, finally make a mend with Them.

I'm falling in love with life, lately. How complex the constellation has made me;
One journey I would never forget and I'm still 24.
Walking in the right path, holding the right hands, and having the right heart,
I couldn't ask for better companion than those.

And I can finally say this:
I am truly, happy.

Monday, July 3, 2017

Sunday, July 2, 2017

the darkest valley.

kemarin aku bertemu seseorang; dan kami membicarakan perasaan tergelap yang bisa dimiliki oleh manusia: kematian.
mengapa gelap? kematian bukan akhir. dalam kepercayaanku, bahkan, kematian adalah keuntungan. lalu kenapa bagi kami, itu adalah perasaan tergelap?
karena kami pernah ingin mati dan itu bukan karena kami merasa beruntung.

kalau sekarang aku mengingat-ingat perasaan itu, ada sakit luar biasa di ulu hati yang kadang sampai ke ujung jari. sambil berpikir, ya Tuhan, aku pernah ingin mati, dan aku pernah berusaha mencapai keinginanku itu. walaupun sekarang perasaan itu sudah hilang sama sekali, tetapi itu bukan jenis perasaan yang bisa dilupakan. kita bisa lupa rasanya jatuh cinta, rasanya patah hati, tapi ingin mati bukan salah satunya.

kukatakan tergelap karena ingin mati adalah ke-putus-asaan yang sudah tidak terukur kadarnya.

segelap apapun lembah itu, aku bersyukur pernah disana. pernah merasakan itu membuatku bisa jauh lebih memahami orang lain; mereka punya peperangan sendiri dan aku tidak pada tempatnya untuk menghakimi atau mengukur. aku bisa benar-benar sedih untuk orang lain. aku bisa benar-benar menahan perasaanku ketika apa yang akan aku lakukan berpotensi menyakiti orang lain. dan, aku bisa menghargai hidup lebih dan lebih lagi, karena aku diselamatkan dari kehilangan; kehilangan diriku sendiri.

tidak ada obat penyembuh yang lebih manjur daripada mendekatkan diri kepada Pencipta. dekat denganNya membuat kita sadar kalau sakit itu hanya sementara, dan dari Dia lah kita mendapat kekuatan.